Bland On Bland – After The…


Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “ After the … “.

Back in November Last year I started the saga of Alf and Bunny in a poem called “Low“.

It was such an epic that it had to be cut into two parts, earlier this week I was reminded that I hadn’t put finished the story and this weeks theme was made for it.

So here is part two of Alf and Bunny’s tale…

You may want to refresh your memory of part one – listen here before continuing with this weeks. You can listen to the conclusion below…


To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

After the …..

After the last Mintie was gone Alf lay back and stewed
“Bloody selfish of Bunnie” he snarled “not to have brought back food”

Having read the paper back to front, Alf had a little nap
Noodled with the radio but all the music was crap

So he put on Richard Clayderman and the Best of Lesley Gore
Then switched back to the radio to get a cricket score

He wound up all the windows as the wind began to gust
At the very moment Bunnie, came stumbling though the dust

“I wondered where you’d got you” Alf’s impatient drawl
“I won’t get out, this wind, you know, my allergies and all”

“Oh you’ll get out” Bunnie rasped “right now, no ifs or buts
Or five kilograms of petrol is going to slam into your nuts”

“Steady on” Alf whimpered “don’t take it out on me
By the way I wondered what you planned to cook for tea?”

Every word Alf uttered saw his prospects ever thinner
“Oh, I have plans” Bunnie croaked “but not concerning dinner

Now put the petrol in the tank and get behind the wheel
Or what you had for breakfast might just be your last meal”

Alf decided wisely to accept Bunn’s proposition
Primed the carburettor, put the key in the ignition

“All’s well that ends well Bunn.” Alf was almost right
The second he turned the key, on came the red light

“What’s the problem Alf?” Bunn’s blood began to boil
“Well I’ll be buggered” Alf replied “the engine’s out of oil”

Bunn closed her eyes and ground her teeth, blood pressure off the chart
“When I return, God help you Alf if this shit heap doesn’t start”

Off Bunn stumbled down the track, disappearing in the haze
Alf put on Liberace and dreamed of better days

Bing Crosby’s dulcet tones led Alf to reminisce
The back row at The Capital, his one and only kiss

The tape began to warble bringing daydreams to an end
At the very moment Bunn staggered round the bend

Bunn slumped across the bonnet while she fought to catch her breath
“You’ve been two hours” Alf needled “I almost starved to death”

“Listen Alf, you useless pig, I’ve trudged all day in the sun
If you’re keen to keep your testicles this motor better run”

“Calm down Bunn, you’re overwrought” Alf gave a caustic smirk
“You just have a little rest, while I do all the work”

Too knackered to respond, Bunnie took it on the chin
Carefully drizzled water to relieve her blistered skin

“Remember Alf, your testicles, last chance out of three”
“No worries Bunn” smirked Alf as he gently turned the key

“No red lights” sighed Bunnie “the saint’s be praised for that”
“No red lights” cried Alf “cause the bloody batteries flat”

After the Coronial inquest, the findings as expected
Ruled ‘accidental death’, no foul play was suspected

‘Death by mis-adventure’ the coroner ascertained
Though how a battery lodged in Alf’s throat has never been explained

© Copyright 2017 Ian Bland


Also have a listen to the songs on my new album “Everything or Nothing

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