blndonblandpoem-featuredThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Dropping Something“.

Today’s poem is something of a milestone. It marks the tenth anniversary of Bland On Bland.

To commemorate the occasion it seems fitting that today’s offering should head “back to the neighbourhood.”

Besides it’s been a while.

Thanks to Ed for coming in to do today’s show. I felt it was important that he be here as he has been a significant part of Bland On Bland from the beginning ( I hope you got to your gig on time mate.) and a special thanks to Thatch and Jools at Pretentia.com for their technical wizardry,enabling me to contribute to the JVG Radio Method from all around the world

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Dropping Something

“Your turn Mills” the teacher snapped “come on, don’t keep us waiting”
‘Pig’ stood up and cleared his throat “I’ve titled this ‘masticatin’”

“Mills” barked Mr Nutting “your diction’s all at sea
Barely one word in and you’ve already dropped a ‘G’”

The flushing cheeks and quivering jowls signalled ‘Pig’ was mad
“I swear I never dropped nothin sir; you’d know it if I had”

“I haven’t dropped anything” Mr Nutting corrected, and sighed, disbelieving
“I never dropped nothing neither sir, so I guess that makes us even”

“Come here Mills” Nutting growled “this topic’s not a joke”
“I’m comin” ‘Pig’ retorted “calm down, you’ll have a stroke”

“Mills, the ‘G’, don’t drop the ‘G’, it isn’t ‘cumin’ you twit”
“Well sir it would be comin if you just relaxed a bit”

Mr Nutting drew upon all the patience he could summon
“Mills, don’t drop the ‘G’, remember it’s ‘coming’, it isn’t ‘cumin’

‘Cumin’ is a noun; here ‘coming’ is a verb
One suggests some movement, while the former is a herb”

“Well, it’s all a load of crap” sneered ‘Pig’, “least from where I’m sittin
If you ask me it’s time the language was re-written

English is like Frankenstein, you can still see all the scars
Banged together from bits and pieces like Old Man Chaplee’s cars

Take ‘dead’ for example, or head, or tread; you drop the bloody ‘A’
How come ‘German’ starts with G, but ‘Jerk off’ starts with ‘J’?

You make us drop the ‘G’ in other words like ‘tough’
Then you change it all to ‘F’ as in ‘I don’t give a stuff’

So it’s ‘G’ and ‘H’ in ‘roughing’ but double ‘F’ in ‘stuffing’
Not content with only two you throw ‘T-H’ in for ‘nothing’

Now tell me, ‘R-E-A-D’; is it ‘read’ (ed) or is it ‘read’ (eed)?
‘Row’ (oh) or ‘row’ (ou), ‘bow’ (oe) or ‘bow’ (ou), ‘lead’ (ed) or is it ‘lead’ (eed)?

‘Made’ is ‘A-D-E’ but it’s ‘A-I-D’ in ‘laid’
Working on that principle surely ‘said’ should be ‘sayed’

What about lentil and mental; one’s an ‘a’ and one’s an ‘i’
How come settee ends with ‘e’ while city ends with ‘y’?

Where’s the ‘Z’ in ‘xylophone’? Where’s the ‘U’ in ‘money’?
Why ‘P-H’ in ‘phoney’ but a single ‘F’ in ‘funny’?

‘G-H’ is your ‘thigh’ ‘A-I’ if you’re ‘Thai’, ‘I-E’ when you ‘die’
‘Y-E’ in your ‘eye’, ‘U-Y’ for a ‘guy’, ‘i’ if you’re ‘Bi” and ‘Y’ if you ‘cry

If the morons who stitched this language together can’t do any better
Do you think it’s fair to pull me up cause I’ve dropped a lousy letter?

As far as I’m concerned you can never, ever win
You’re damned if you leave one out and damned if you put one in”

“Sit down Mills” sighed Mr Nutting “if you’ve finished your critique
Thankyou for your presentations, I’ll have your marks next week”

Monday morning, true to his word, the results were handed out
Lindy Dent, as usual an ‘A’, as if there was any doubt

‘Rabbit’ seemed chuffed, proudly announced “Hey I finally got a D”
“So what” smirked ‘Pig’ “that’s nothing – I got an effin G”

© Copyright 2017 Ian Bland


Also have a listen to the songs on the new album “Everything or Nothing

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