February 24, 2019 | Ian Bland | Leave a comment © Tim Chmielewski 2019 – more pics of the day at his site http://photos.timchuma.com/ The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “2019 BBQ Day“. Where does a year go? The annual 3RRR BBQ Day show comes around all too soon. The photo on the right by Tim Chmielewski will give you all the information you really need about where the poem is headed. No Ed Bates to provide the guitar backing ( he was trapped on Norfolk Island by a cyclone) but have a listen to how it went below… To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below: https://ianbland.com.au/audio/JVG_Poem20190224.mp3 2019 BBQ Day From the time I started school I was treated as a fool No-one liked me and they weren’t afraid to show it I had an ample girth They used to ask when I’d give birth I tried everything and prayed that I’d outgrow it I was bullied, I was teased I was beaten up and squeezed An outcast; I suffered years of degradation Then one night I met a Genie After my twenty third martini She said “I’m here to help you fix the situation” I was shitting bricks My mind must be playing tricks Every time I had a sip she was there She said “It was me who took a rump And turned it onto Donald Trump Even gave him fairy floss for hair” I thought God, I must be pissed Genies don’t exist At least not in a bottle of Vermouth Still she seemed to understand Said “Your wish is my command” Then she dived into my glass and that’s the truth I woke up in a daze Soaked in mayonnaise I recall I’d begged the genie to make me hot I meant ‘hot’ like Errol Flynn Justin Bieber, even Sting Not a bloody burger with the lot Though it began as subcutaneous Results were instantaneous No longer was I viewed as a pariah Those thugs, once so reactive Found me curiously attractive I went from ridiculed to an object of desire All those pricks who used to beat me Are now lining up to eat me Can’t wait to get their tongues around my buns I’m moist and full of spice I’m naughty but I’m nice When you’re done with me all that’s left is crumbs Now I’m the main event I drive them crazy with my scent They drool as they scrape me off the grill They sniff and ask ‘Is that Lacoste? Paco Raban or Hugo Boss? I say you’re very close, its aioli and dill My pattie’s firm and round I’m seasoned, finely ground One look at me and people start to dribble So I’m a little fatty No worse than any other pattie Go on, you know you’re dying for a nibble I’m better than a snag I’m pure beef mince in drag Tomatoes, lettuce, onions fused with cheese You see all the little tackers All they’ve ever known is Maccas Compared to Big Mac I’m Hercules I’m fast and I’m all class I’ve got bacon for an arse One bite I guarantee you won’t forget us I’m a bad boy, take a bite I’ll satisfy your appetite I think you’ll like what’s underneath my lettuce I’m not like other treats Won’t find me on Uber Eats Eight hundred quarter pounders, neck to knees Why not smother me in sauce Barbeque of course What’s to lose except arterial disease Despite my name I am Pure beefcake, not a ham You’ll need both hands and a lot of self control Girls have often said They’d like to get me into bread But I’m afraid they’ll have to make do with a roll I hate it when some punk Tries to maul me when they’re drunk You know the type, only want you when they’re stinking I’m the thing they try to grab When they can’t score a kebab It’s like Hollywood, what are these dickheads thinking? But time it is a thief And a burger’s life is brief Too soon you’re colder than a Scotsman’s kilt No-one wants a soggy bun And once your beetroot starts to run Your lettuce goes all limp and starts to wilt So if you’re searching for a date Someone to share your plate I don’t care if you’re half baked, par boiled or crusted If you’d like a little chat Cut the cheese and chew the fat I’ll be by the barbie rolling in the mustard © Copyright 2019 Ian Bland Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing” <a href=”http://music.ianbland.com.au/album/everything-and-nothing”>Everything And Nothing by Ian Bland</a> Share this:TweetEmailMoreTelegram