Ian In England

Ian In England

The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method is well give 3RRR money.

This was presented in two parts during the annual 3RRR Subscribathon. I know that it will be over by the time you read this, but consider just sending a few bucks along to your local public broadcaster, they can always use it.

I am over in the UK at the moment and am phoning the poems in to the show.

No rest for the wicked eh?

Radiothon 2009 – Week 1

Week 1 [audio:JVG_Poem20090607.mp3]

“A frigging disco?” squawked ‘Pig’ Mills “Are you morons feeling out of sorts”
As usual, his feeble mind clamped tighter than Warwick Capper’s shorts

“Get your hand off your aggots” hissed ‘Rabbit McGorry, struggling over the din
“This place is unlike any disco your corpulent arse has been in!”

Dr Pump, the door bitch, greeted them warmly and ushered them in straight away
‘Rabbit’ Cindy and ‘Squirrel’ were members – while ‘Spanner’ was happy to pay

‘Pig’ sniggered aloud “The silly bastards – they won’t get nothing from me”
“You’d have to be thicker than the Carlton Cheer Squad to pay when you can listen for free”

But when he saw the prizes and give aways ‘Pig’ was wracked with self-doubt
“More variety” he wheezed “More music and choices – like and endless ‘Big Day Out”

international, local, instrumental and vocal
country, blues and rock’n’roll
metal, cajun, prog and soul
spoken word – rhyme and prose
anything and everything goes
punk and funk, gardening and roots
electronic, symphonic, pure and shoots

jazz, reggae, smooth and rude
comedy, politics, sci fi, food

the new, the old, established, unsigned
dance, trance, folk, design

interviews, news and book reviews
talkback, feedback, techno, electro
hip hop, pop, all over the shop

stimulation, education relaxation and —– conversation

psychedelic, metallic, wet and dry
computers, science, diy
art, health, pets and wealth
law, film, surf and turf
ambient – thrash – what’s it worth?

If you’re sensing a moral of ‘Disney’ proportions woven ‘subtly through this rhyme
I’m deeply offended and reject the suggestion – but feel free to subscribe any time

‘Pig’ was drawn to the centre stage – Sister Sledge, Tina Charles and the rest
Fixated – not by the music – but the spandex leggings and breasts

He decided he’d try to get back stage – he was only gone quarter of an hour
When the mirror ball began to slow – the disco had run out of power

Out of the darkness came a blood curdling scream – then a thump, like two tonnes of lead
Lying face down, you could just make out – it was ‘Pig’ – ‘Pig’ Mills – he was dead!

Who would commit such a dastardly crime? A stranger or someone he knew?
I’m embarrassed to say it’s yet to be written – I’ve got no more idea than you

But I’ll have it all sorted by next week – I’m open to suggestion – or bribe!
Tune in next Sunday for the gripping conclusion – in the meantime bloody subscribe

Radiothon 2009 – Week 2

Week 2 [audio:JVG_Poem20090607.mp3]

We left you last week as tragedy unfolded – a murder on the disco floor
The room plunged to darkness – a banshee like scream – and ‘Pig’ Mills was with us no more

The Disco Police allowed no-one to leave and began to sort truth from the lies
They quickly eliminated several suspects after checking their alibis

Hot Chocolate were sweet, a witness confirmed they were being mugged at the bar
The Commodores proved they were parking their Falcon – Lionel Richie driving the car

It wasn’t ‘Ma Baker’ or ‘Rasputin’ – they’d been strangled by Boney M
Diana Ross was ‘Upside Down’ – and why not it was ‘Raining men’

Though they’d made no arrests, the Disco Police insisted their prospects were good
For starters, Amii Stewart had priors for assault – convicted of ‘Knocking on wood’

Michael Jackson was well known to Police – but every charge he denied
He’d made several attempts to change his appearance so he must have had something to hide

The chief suspects however were the Village People – the only question – which one?
They all had priors for murder – they’d butchered every song they’d done

The cowboy was a little too obvious – the cop – he was one of their own
The Indian Chief? Well, a minority group – so better leave him alone

The construction worker? The union’s too strong – The soldier? Don’t want the public off side
So they locked up the bikie, no-one gave a stuff – as you’ll know yourself if you ride

In the nick of time the phones ran hot and subscriptions came flooding in
Power resumed to the disco and the mirror ball started to spin

Attention centred on the motionless mass now visible under the light
They rolled him over – it wasn’t ‘Pig’ Mills! – That gelatinous lump was – Barry White

He wasn’t even dead – except in the charts – just buggered from mounting the stage
All those “Oh, baby -mmm – keep on doing it – right on” were too much for a man of his age

So the petulant ‘Pig’ was alive after all – which a few thought a bit of a bummer
Merely ejected by Dr Pump, the door bitch – for hitting on Donna Summer

It still didn’t explain the blood curdling scream – what could have caused that racket
Turned out it was only Gloria Gaynor warming up for her bracket

So the music returned to the disco – that could have so easily ended a tomb
The opening lines of Gloria’s signature song echoed around the room

First I was amazed
I was mystified
Kept flicking round the dial
I could not decide
So many stations
With the same old repetoire
A musical pissoir
Till I tuned to Triple R
Chicken Mary,
To and Fro
Delivery, The Skull Cave
Dirty Deeds, The Party Show
Local and/or General
Off the Record, Graveyard Shift
The Architects, Max Headroom
When I really need a lift

The Golden Age – of Piracy,
Twang, New and Groovy
Kinky Afro, JVG
Without your help they’d be lost to radio
We’d be lumbered
With Karl and Jackie O
Oh no, not I
I will subscribe
On the Blower, Aural Text
Keep Vital Bits alive
With your support they live
They’ve got so much more to give
And I’ll subscribe
I will subscribe
I will subscribe

© Copyright 2009 Ian Bland

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