Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Airports“.

Oh god the trip to the UK is looming…

Ed Bates provided the guitar backing, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


Rise at five, flight’s at one
Strip the bed; packing’s done

Passport, tickets, showered and dressed
An early start, arrive less stressed

Give my hair and teeth a brush
Leave by six to beat the rush

An accident has blocked Queen’s Road
A truck has rolled, lost its load

Traffics moving at a crawl
We’ve only burned an hour that’s all

Find a car park, so we think
Turns out we’re on Citylink

Up ahead a road works sign
Five hours left, we’ll be fine

Four lanes merging into two
An ambulance comes flying through

An Audi tries to overtake
Accelerates when others brake

We wait for the cops to come
Two lanes merging into none

At last the traffic starts to flow
No worries, four hours to go

Make it three; almost there
That queue of cars is going where?

The airport? God we just can’t win
Of course no prick will let us in

Still two hours until the flight
No need to panic, we’ll be right

Queue to find a parking spot
The fee to park in here is what?

You mean per week? Per hour? Get lost
That’s double what the airfares cost

The check-in queue’s about a K
Like the MCG on Boxing Day

Slower than the NBN
An hour goes by, we queue again

Pass customs without a hitch
Then security; one slight glitch

They search my pockets, check my pack
The bells go off, they call me back

I explain on hearing the alarm
The metal rod in my arm

Eight times I’m scanned; still not done
Perhaps my elbow is a gun

Check I’m not an amputee
Give up and point to duty free

Twelve forty five, I’m running late
I hope they haven’t closed the gate

Twelve fifty five; all hopes fade
I check the board – ‘Flight delayed’

Find the desk, ask the crew
No-one seems to have a clue

‘Flight delayed; delayed how long?
Can’t say until they know what’s wrong

I know what’s wrong, the plane’s not flying
The Help Desk say they’re clarifying

Offer me a magazine
Tell me I should watch the screen

Thought I’d go and get some food
For the hundredth time today I queued

Had to order at the bar
Cost me less to park the car

A coffee and a salad wrap
A perfect match – both were crap

Two hours pass, I’m getting nervous
Announcement: ‘Aircraft out of service’

‘Out of service’; that sounds dire
How ‘Out of service’ I enquire

They’ll be making an announcement soon
I sit and wait all afternoon

Replacement aircraft? No-one knew
Could take a day we’ll contact you

We’re given vouchers; lucky me
No plane, instead a cup of tea

I buy a paper and a shake
I read my stars; big mistake

“Scorpios should not travel
All plans likely to unravel”

‘Flight Cancelled’ appears on the display
Apologies for the delay

The Help Desk isn’t: no explanation
Check the screen for information

I need a drink; this time no queue
The bar is ‘Out of service’ too

I wait all night; alas in vain
Can you reach The Philippines by train?

© Copyright 2018 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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