The theme this week for Jon’s JVG Radio Method on 3RRR is “APES”. Humans last week, Apes this week. It’s all getting very Darwinian.

Click to hear today’s poem… [audio:JVG_Poem20080720.mp3]

Ed Bates supplied the tasteful background guitar sounds this week.


APES

FIRST CAME WHOOPING COUGH, MUMPS, SCARLET FEVER, CROUP AND TONSILLITIS
GERMAN MEASLES, CHICKEN POX, IMPETIGO AND LARYNGITIS

AN ENDLESS LIST OF CHILDHOOD ILLS BY WHICH MOST OF US WERE CURSED
BUT NONE CAME CLOSE TO PUBERTY, IT WAS FAR ABOVE THE WORST

NO-ONE DIED OF SLAPPED CHEEK, TREATING HEAD LICE WASN’T HARD
BUT PUBERTY WAS INCURABLE, FEW SURVIVED UNSCARRED

IT SWEPT ACROSS OUR NEIGHBOURHOOD, OVERNIGHT THINGS CHANGED
ACNE, CONFUSION, MOOD SWINGS, FINALLY MENTALLY DERANGED

“SQUIRREL” READ IN A MEDICAL JOURNAL IT EVEN ENLARGED YOUR “GLANDS”
SO WHEN “PIG” MILLS BECAME INFECTED WE MADE SURE WE WASHED OUR HANDS

I WAS IN A SUCH A STATE OF TERROR THAT I MIGHT CATCH PUBERTY
I SCRUBBED MY HANDS SO OFTEN I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH OCD

THE WHEATLY’S HAD TWO DAUGHTERS, THE YOUNGEST WAS MARY THERESE
HER ONLY FLAW WAS BEING A GIRL, WHICH WE VIEWED AS SOME DISEASE

THE GIRL’S OPINION OF US BOYS HARBOURED SIMILAR CONTEMPT
WE IGNORED THEM, THEY IGNORED US, ADULTS AND PETS EXEMPT

SUDDENLY “PIG” WENT PECULIAR, “SQUIRREL” SAID “I THINK HE’S DEFECTING”
“WALKING THERESE HOME AFTER SCHOOL AND HE’S LOST INTEREST IN TADPOLE COLLECTING”

WHEN HIS FACE ERUPTED IN A CLUSTER OF ZITS WE WORRIED HE WOULDN’T SURVIVE
RIDING HIS PUSHBIKE IN ENDLESS CIRCLES IN FRONT OF THE WHEATLY’S DRIVE

HE ‘D GIVE A SIGH WHEN HE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR, HE COULDN’T FIND MUCH TO LIKE
HE FIGURED THERESE WOULDN’T NOTICE HIS PIMPLES IF SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH HIS BIKE

BRUNO LUCEK WAS NEXT TO CROSS OVER, OR SO IT SEEMED TO US THEN
IN HINDSIGHT, HE WAS PROBABLY THE FIRST ONE INFECTED, HE’D BEEN SHAVING SINCE HE WAS TEN

HE STARTED FLIRTING WITH MARY THERESE WHICH MADE “PIG” FEEL TOTALLY INEPT
CAUSE BRUNO’S PUSHBIKE HAD APE HANGER BARS, “PIG” HAD THE OLD DOWN SWEPT

SO “PIG” BOUGHT A PAIR SIX INCHES LONGER, DRIVEN BY PUBESCENT VIGOUR
WHEN HE GOT TO THERESE’S, BRUNO WAS WAITING WITH A NEW PAIR EIGHT INCHES BIGGER

ON THEY WENT LIKE A COUPLE OF SCHOOL BOYS — PRECISELY WHAT THEY WERE
AS FOR THE THOUGHTS OF THE GIRL THEY PURSUED — NEITHER THOUGHT OF ASKING HER

LONGER AND LONGER THOSE APE HANGERS GREW TO A LENGTH WELL BEYOND REASON
“LIKE A PAIR OF ELKS” “RABBIT” REMARKED “GROWING HORNS IN THE RUTTING SEASON”

“LUCKY WE’RE NOT IN NEW GUINEA” QUIPPED “SQUIRREL” NOT ONE TO TOLERATE FOOLS
“INSTEAD OF LENGTHENING HANDLEBARS, THEY’D BE HANGING ROCKS OFF THEIR TOOLS”

“SPANNER” CHAPLEE WAS RENOWNED FOR HIS WELDING, WHEN ASKED WAS ONLY TOO WILLING
ADDING EXTENSIONS FOR BOTH BRUNO AND “PIG”, “SPANNER” WAS MAKING A KILLING

SIX INCHES HERE, SIX INCHES THERE, THOSE APE HANGERS GREW SO LARGE
“PIG” HAD TO LEAVE HIS BIKE IN THE DRIVE, IT WAS TALLER THAN THE GARAGE

“SQUIRREL” NOTED IT WAS HARD ENOUGH FOR BRUNO AND HE WAS EVERY BIT OF SIX FEET
BUT POOR OLD “PIG” AT FIVE FOOT NOTHING WAS FORCED TO STAND ON THE SEAT

ALL THAT WORK TO WIN THE HEART OF A GIRL BUT THEIR EFFORTS FAILED TO IMPRESS
APE HANGERS, BULL HORNS, UPRIGHT OR FLAT, THERESE COULDN’T CARE LESS

SHE WAS SUCKING MILKSHAKES WITH “SPANNER” AND THERE’S PROBABLY NO NEED TO MENTION
FINANCED ENTIRELY BY BRUNO AND “PIG” WITH THE MONEY FROM THEIR EXTENSIONS

THERE’S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LOSER AND LOSING, A LESSON THEY’D BOTH YET TO LEARN
IF YOU’RE MODIFYING YOUR PUSHBIKE IT’S WISE TO MAKE SURE IT CAN TURN

IT’S HARD TO SAY OUT OF BRUNO AND “PIG” WHICH OF THE TWO WAS THE DUMBER
IF THEY DIDN’T LEARN SOMETHING THAT DAY YEARS AGO THEY’RE PROBABLY BOTH DRIVING A HUMMER

© Copyright 2008 Ian Bland

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