Photo By Jools Thatcher

Photo By Jools Thatcher

This week’s JVG Radio Method poem was performed at the 10th Annual 3RRR “ 2011 BBQ DAY“.

Yes folks 10 years. So what did JVG (with his finally tuned sense of irony) decide would be the “theme” would be? That’s right Vegetarian – really?

Jon, you did notice what we are doing here? I mean, really?

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


BBQ DAY 2011

“That? On the barbie? Ha! Not a snowball’s hope in hell!”
Uncle Kevin’s verdict rang as clear as any bell

“Nothing against you veggies, let me get that straight”
“But no way those chickpea what’s its are going near my grate”

Kevin’s nephew, Tristan, was a lad endowed with passion
But Kevin knew his principles had more to do with fashion

Last month “Psychic Healing”, “Re-birthing” weeks before
Now he’s “Ovo-bloody-Lacto”, some breed of herbivore

Ditched KFC for TVP, rump for tofu steak
Scrubbed Usher from his mp3, replaced him with Nick Drake

He’d brought along his mates, all doing Arts at Melbourne Uni
“Bloody Arts” grizzled Kev “Another left wing loony”

On their T-Shirts “Meat Is Murder” on the back “Thou Shalt Not Kill”
Kev sneered “They want the compost heap not the bloody grill”

“Combing through the salads plucking leaves, seeds and shoots”
“Sporting leather jackets and red Doc Martin boots”

Kevin bit his tongue but his patience wearing thin
“Won’t eat the flesh” he snarled “But they’ll wear the bloody skin”

Kevin’s wife Kayleen barked “You cynical old prick”
“Cook the boys some tofu Kev and make it bloody quick”

“But petal” whimpered Kevin “It’ll stuff the cast iron plate”
“You’ll be stuffed” Kayleen snapped “If you don’t get cracking mate”

‘No ‘snuggles’ in the morning if those lads don’t get a feed”
Kev knew what ‘no snuggles’ meant and reluctantly agreed

Now, the barbie can get ugly as all carnivores would know
A sea of molten fat and grease with nowhere much to go

Seeping from the chop tails, oozing from the snags
Corroding deck and burners, reducing clothes to rags

Kev snatched a mung bean burger and flung it on the top
It landed with a splash between a rissole and a chop

But something magic happened as it sank into the grunge
It sucked up twice its’ weight in fat, just like a kitchen sponge

Kev chucked on several more and gasped “Will wonders never cease?”
“They’ve hoovered clean the hotplate, soaked up all the grease”

Kevin was astounded, but chose to keep it quiet
He might miss out on his ‘snuggles’ and cause a vegan riot

“Best veggie burgers ever” so his nephew Tristan reckons
His friends it seems concurred, all came back for seconds

Kayleen seemed impressed, Kev thought “Hello, I’m in luck”
As Kayleen cooed “Come on pet, how bout a quick Cold Duck”

Kevin popped the cork, even scored a little kiss
He was going to share his secret but well, ‘Ignorance is bliss’

Tristan bailed his Uncle with an air that oozed conceit
“I told you Uncle Kev” he crowed “They taste as good as meat”

“I’ll give you that” thought Kevin “And a hundred times more fatty”
“Each contains more cow than a half pound minced beef patty”

Still, Kevin was converted, and remains so to this day
At his barbies, the mung beans are the first thing in the tray

He loves his veggie burgers, reckons you can’t beat’em
“The best thing on the grill” he swears “Providing you don’t eat’em”

© Copyright 2011 Ian Bland
Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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