The theme this week for Jon’s JVG Radio Method on 3RRR is “BEES”.

Click to hear today’s poem… [audio:JVG_Poem20080601.mp3]

Jon was having a week off and once again Dan Warner and I ran the show with support from Brian Wise and a cast of millions. Typical JVG, he books two bands to play live to air, picks an impossible theme and then gets unavoidably detained. Still we survived and it didn’t sound too shabby.

Ed Bates provided the sensational suburban soundscape and slide backing this week and it was pretty amazing.


Hear that? Shhh! No, not the magpie! Listen — Shhhhh
Just the other side of that fence, this is one you won’t forget
It’s almost as rare as hen’s teeth — a 67 Victa Corvette

And a little further east – Shut up! I’d be guessing at the name
Could be a Razor, Mustang or Tornado, the engine’s exactly the same

Behind us a Briggs and Stratton, I’d say 190 cc
Lovely engine, no question of that, but 4 strokes don’t do it for me

I love the sound of two strokes, they make my juices boil
No French perfume can match the scent of petrol mixed with oil

Don’t dare mention electric mowers, what philistine would buy it?
The idea is to relax in your garden — how can you with something that quiet?

From Frankston north to Craigieburn, The Basin to Ardeer
The backyard, our sanctuary, the suburb’s last frontier

Where Mother Nature rules and we rejoice in her delights
With a little human intervention to correct her oversights

Worms, bugs, spiders just some of nature’s flaws
Freaks of evolution that spoil the great outdoors

Man rises to the challenge when Mother Nature fails
Insecticides kill everything from grasshoppers to snails

Sprays and baits and powders — chemicals are the answer
They’ll keep your garden safe — if you don’t mind risking cancer

Those raucous Crimson Rosellas make such a bloody racket
And the Wattle Birds and Magpies, any wonder people crack it

Get yourself a cat, it’ll soon put paid to those
No more perching on the Hill’s Hoist and shitting on your clothes

And no longer will the Roses be stripped of buds and blossoms
Leave the cat out overnight — it’ll sort out those useless possums

But the biggest pest of all, one of nature’s abbarations
Those stinking furken bees go you when your trimming the carnations

A bit to smart for sprays — won’t go near a Mozzie Zapper
They keep on coming back — a bit like Warrick Capper

Noisy little bastards always buzzing round the place
A bit like politicians always getting in your face
Impossible to shake off, swarm round bold as brass
Then sneak up in total silence and sting you with their arse

It’s a small consolation but they only get one try
While you’re rolling round in agony you get to watch the bastard die

They come and go at will and your powerless to intervene
Knocking off your pollen to feed some aging queen

One stung my sister on the chest, it really started smartin
Her left breast swelled up triple fold, she looked like half of Dolly Parton

When her boyfriend (at the time) recovered from the fright
He caught another bee and tried to sting her on the right

They pillage yard to yard, pay no heed to fence or border
Still a liberal serve of Phosphine helps turn chaos into order

Breakfast on the patio, the usual weekend routine
Made of environmentally friendly concrete —- well I’ve had it painted green

As I gaze out on the weedless lawn, I can’t help swell with pride
The fragrant waft of fresh mown grass and a hint of pesticide

I butter my toast and marvel – at my garden with it’s water feature
Secure in the knowledge, apart from the cat, there’s not another living creature

My little slice of heaven I wouldn’t swap for love or money
Hoy – those cheeky, filthy, thieving bees are trying to steal my honey!

Get out of there you thieving Ooh, you little bastard, where’s that old bottle of DDT
Ooh, I knew I shouldn’t have worn the floral shirt, Ooh, piss of you little bastard
Ooh ……

© Copyright 2008 Ian Bland

One comment on “Bland On Bland – Bees

  • hi i loved the bees poem and hearing muhamed ali again. is it possible for a person like me to print out your bees poem,and it would be to use with kids in an alternative kind of school, you know, where they aren’t doing well in mainstream school, and let them read it and talk about it and maybe be inspired to read more, and maybe write more. i don’t know about your copyright. i would be making 5 copies for use with these kids only, and i’m not making a profit out of this either, this school does not get DOE funding. so would it appeal to you to make a copy available? Regards, Ingrid, Geelong

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