Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “ Best “.

This week JVG gave us all a great theme to work with. Talk about spoilt for choice. The path I went with is an idea that kept popping up again and again during the week. I have to stop watching bad ‘B’ grade thrillers…

Still it gave me a chance to try something different in the rhyming pattern.

Ed Bates was in the studio this week and providing the guitar backing. Have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


We began this cheery ode
With a misanthrope named Toad
A butcher by trade and occupation

I should warn you that this story
Is at times a little gory
Involving the most heinous profanation

Edmund Chintzy was a scrooge
He lived by subterfuge
One afternoon he strode into the shop

Flashed a seedy grin
Oohed and aahed, stroked his chin
“Tell me what’s your best price for a chop”

Toad was in no mood to bicker
Snapped “The price that’s on the sticker
You’ll be pushed to find a better chop than that”

Edmund had the gall
To taunt “They look a little small
If you ask me most of it is fat”

Now, from snags to silverside
No butcher took more pride
Toad was punctilious with his meat

No cuts were ever leaner
Be it porterhouse or wiener
A claim built on fact and not conceit

Most shops Edmund frequented
Slashed their prices when he entered
Anything to make him disappear

Toad stood firm and barked
“The price is clearly marked
I’m a shopkeeper not an auctioneer

Edmund dug in deeper
Sneered “The supermarket’s cheaper
They don’t pass off chuck as oyster blade”

Toad began to bristle
“If you’re happy eating gristle
To be honest I can do without your trade

Get out of here you niggard”
Toad irately sniggered
Go elsewhere I don’t give a toss

Edmund feigned an anxious cough
“I believe your offal’s off
I demand to be taken to your boss”

This was Edmund’s usual scam
Smell the chicken, pork or lamb
Then make a baseless accusation

The boss would always acquiesce
When Edmund scowled “I’ll call the press”
Afraid of potential litigation

But Toad worked on his own
Not that Edmund would have known
Toad smiled “The boss is out back”

He hung a sign on the door
‘Re-opening at four’
Next thing Edmund’s trussed up on a rack

The details of this crime
Are too grizzly for rhyme
And would leave the poor listener aghast

Still, he would have been content
Slashed by twenty five percent
Edmund had his discount at last

Brisket from his abs
Steaks the size of slabs
Deftly sliced to bare the marble streaks

No need to tenderise
Those luscious, supple thighs
And juicy rump whittled from his cheeks

He was laid out on a tray
And put proudly on display
‘Pet food only, not for human consumption’

Filleted, minced and diced
Best of all, bargain priced
For a psychopath Toad at least showed gumption

He sold out in a flash
Turned a problem into cash
And the evidence dispersed across the town

Poor old Edmund’s soul
Rested in a doggy bowl
Later dumped on a nature strip face down

The moral, be polite
There’s frugal and there’s tight
Be careful who you screw and don’t be rude

Don’t aggravate the lives
Of those who work with knives
There’s money turning dickheads into food

We all have our days
And at times annoying ways
Say what must be said then let it rest

Be a little more forgiving
We all have to make a living
Though in Edmund’s case perhaps it’s for the best

© Copyright 2017 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to the songs on my album “Everything or Nothing

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.