Bland On Bland – Birthday


The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method is “Birthday”, Jon seems to be relenting.

“Birthday”. Now that’s a  theme you can do something with.

Let’s face it everyone has one, and nearly everyone lies about when it is.

I wonder why?

Click here to find out…


Ed Bates is back on slide guitar this week and truly excels himself.


I have a friend – at least till now – easy going, rarely stressed
Except around his birthday when he’s clinically depressed

His identity I can’t reveal – I gave my solemn word
Let’s call him Simon Alan Ryan of Irene Court in Heidelberg

But I won’t disclose his age – I promised faithfully
Just say his sister’s four years younger and she’s almost forty three

For reasons best known to him he’s protective of his age
Any casual enquiry greeted by indignant rage

“Mind your fucken business” is the usual retort
Aggressively defensive as though afraid of being caught

“That’s personal information only known to family”
Yeah – and the Tax Department, Telstra, Medicare and TAC

But he never lets his guard down – he’s as cagy as John Howard
His birthday is off limits – no reference is allowed

No card, no cake, no presents, no drinks, no hint of celebrations
No casual acknowledgement – no discreet congratulations

He claims he hates the fuss but I think closer to the truth
Each passing year reminds him of the passing of his youth

A fear so entrenched it can’t be whispered beneath your breath
Not another year of life – but a year closer to death

But age is not negotiable and time does not forget
Pretending it’s not raining doesn’t stop you getting wet

Each birthday is a measure of survival and decay
Ignore it or embrace it – it will happen anyway

Me – I love my birthday, though it comes around too fast
I milk it for all it’s worth – as though each one is my last

And one day it will be – but while I’m still around
October twenty seven – you might want to write that down

A present will be welcomed – any little thing will do
A CD, a voucher – a shirt, size 42

Or a creamy pint of Guinness and a pleasant little chat
October twenty seven – have I already mentioned that?

How old am I? Take a guess- I’m not precious – go on, it’s fine
How old? What! Are you serious? You cheeky, smartarse swine!

That’s it! Poems over – I don’t have to sit here and be insulted.
Shut up Ed!

No forget it – just play a record or something.

What are you smiling at dickhead

How old did they think I was ?

That’s bloody older than Madonna!

© Copyright 2009 Ian Bland

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