The theme this week for Jon’s JVG Radio Method on 3RRR is “Bodies“.Ed Bates is on backing music duties this week.

Click to hear today’s poem… [audio:JVG_Poem20080817.mp3]


Magnificent isn’t it? Part of our limited release executive human collection and if you don’t mind me saying, a superb choice.
I said to myself, “There’s a soul who knows a quality body when they see it”

Is his perchance your first body or are you looking at re-incarnating? —- Quite right, none of my business – I’m not trying to do the big sell, I’d just like to take you for a short inspection and explain some of the many features.

For a start we’re a family run business established over 200,000 years and to date more than 100 billion bodies have rolled off our assembly line — and we’re proud of everyone of them — well, most of them anyway.

If you’d just like to make your way up here, that’s right, it’s okay, you can step on the chin, don’t worry it’s solid as a rock.
Ooh – Now let me open the lips for you while you pop into the mouth.
That’s the way — watch the teeth!
Good, all in.
Right, let’s get cracking.

You might get a bit wet, don’t worry, its okay
These produce a litre of saliva each day
In fact most of the body is made out of water
The muscles and brain both round three quarters

The brain has 4 terabytes of memory and power
A sneeze travels 160 kilometres an hour
If you joined all the blood vessels standard at birth
They’d go almost two and a half times round the earth

The cushion we’re standing on is known as the tongue
Straight down to the stomach, or turn for a lung
The left lung you’ll notice is not as big as the right
To make room for the heart but the difference is slight
It’s just one of our exclusive ergonomic designs
In a lifetime the heart beats more than 2 billion times

All our bodies are covered by two square metres of skin
It’s shed once a month and replaced from within
On top is the hair, usually there when you’re born
If you need any more have a chat to Shane Warne

Only one stomach, that’s all space would allow
If you want anymore, come back as a cow

We’d better keep moving, the acid’s too strong
Hike down the small intestine, its seven metres long
Take a rest if you like but watch where you sit
Fall into the colon and you’ll end up in the shit

Forget the appendix, its value’s in doubt
Emission control crap, rip it all out

Straight ahead are the ovaries but they look strangely cropped
My mistake! — They’re testes, they just haven’t dropped

Diversity and choice dictates our agenda
Female or male or if fancy cross gender

Our basic model comes fitted with an average IQ
There are hundreds of options, whatever suits you

A variety of styles, choose the shape and the height
And a wide range of colours from black through to white
High gloss or freckled, sienna, cappuccino
If you want to stand out there’s always albino

Of course most of those options extend to the eyes
If it’s comfort you’re after we can add flab to the thighs

Delivery will take round nine months or so
Often much sooner, it’s a bit hard to know
We’re booked well ahead, late checkouts restricted
A week at the max or you risk being evicted

Accommodation’s thrown in, there’s plenty of room
Meals are provided you even get your own womb
But if you’d rather have company that’s your affair
Still fully catered but lodging’s twin share

Now I realise lately we’ve had some negative press
A few minor incidents, they’ve all been addressed

You’ve got to expect the odd tickle or cough
No need to panic, the tail won’t fall off

Talking of tails it’s time we departed
It’s a bit of a climb to get back where we started

So relax and let the villi entertain us
We’ll wait for some wind and then slip out the anus

Let’s crunch the numbers, now our tour’s at an end
Roughly how much were you hoping to spend?

Oh you’re having me on, are you trying to be funny?
I couldn’t make you a Gerbil for that sort of money

We’ve had two returned that you could have at a push
Take whichever you want, they’re both named George Bush

Here’s a discontinued model, if you want you can grab it
Outdated technology, it’s called Tony Abbott

© Copyright 2008 Ian Bland

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