February 5, 2017 | Ian Bland | Leave a comment The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Catching Something“. First show for the year and it seems as if we haven’t been away at all. JVG and I chatted about our respective breaks and how the book went (Thanks again to everyone at Basement Discs for the great support of the book) So on with the first poem for 2017 – huge thanks also to Ed Bates, who supplied today’s wonderfully appropriate sound track. To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below: https://ianbland.com.au/audio/JVG_Poem20170205.mp3 Catching Something It began around three weeks ago; I was fast asleep in bed A scratching in the ceiling, straight above my head I woke up in a lather: Was it possums? Was it rats? An Air B&B amongst my insulation bats I had my suspicions but now I needed proof So I went and grabbed the ladder and climbed into the roof I slithered on my belly between the ceiling joists and beams What nocturnal squatters dared interrupt my dreams? A hole chewed through the flashing, some tiny turds and more It was my old foe Ratus Ratus; we’d crossed paths before From my previous encounters I had every type of trap Cages, repellents, some that snap and some that zap I tested mechanisms, checked all were armed and baited Then poured myself a cup of tea and lay in bed and waited Next morning, up the ladder, fairly leaping up each rung Expecting to find carnage but not one trap was sprung All week the same thing happened, not a solitary bite While I was kept awake by their scratching every night I’d lie there with my eyes closed and wouldn’t hear a peep But the second I’d drop off it’s like they knew I was asleep How am I supposed to kip when two metres above Those noisy little rodents are busy making love I could hear the little bastards but if only I could see So I hooked up an old camera and plugged it in to my TV I watched for four days straight, nothing stirred in all that time Like watching ‘Big Brother’ except a better storyline To break the monotony I flicked on free to air Viewed late night infomercials, was either that or Yogi Bear Now I have three vacuum cleaners and a dozen ice cream makers A Turbo Scrub, five ladders and six solar cocktail shakers I’ve just bought a pain eraser and another two for spares A paint runner, twelve pillows, and fifteen massage chairs Three home gyms, one vibrates and jiggles off your fat Nine laser hair removers, but they won’t remove a rat Now I realise what’s happened though a little bit too late Thought I was the hunter but it was me who took the bait The rodents win again and did it with such ease The rats showed restraint while I fell for the cheese Intelligence is relative and more complex than I’d thought Sometimes it’s those who set the trap who end up getting caught © Copyright 2017 Ian Bland Also have a listen to the songs on the new album “Everything or Nothing” <a href=”http://music.ianbland.com.au/album/everything-and-nothing”>Everything And Nothing by Ian Bland</a> Share this:TweetEmailMoreTelegram