Bland On Bland – Catching Something

The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Catching Something“.

First show for the year and it seems as if we haven’t been away at all. JVG and I chatted about our respective breaks and how the book went (Thanks again to everyone at  Basement Discs for the great support of the book)

So on with the first poem for 2017  – huge thanks also to Ed Bates, who  supplied today’s wonderfully appropriate sound track. 

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Catching Something

It began around three weeks ago; I was fast asleep in bed
A scratching in the ceiling, straight above my head

I woke up in a lather: Was it possums? Was it rats?
An Air B&B amongst my insulation bats

I had my suspicions but now I needed proof
So I went and grabbed the ladder and climbed into the roof

I slithered on my belly between the ceiling joists and beams
What nocturnal squatters dared interrupt my dreams?

A hole chewed through the flashing, some tiny turds and more
It was my old foe Ratus Ratus; we’d crossed paths before

From my previous encounters I had every type of trap
Cages, repellents, some that snap and some that zap

I tested mechanisms, checked all were armed and baited
Then poured myself a cup of tea and lay in bed and waited

Next morning, up the ladder, fairly leaping up each rung
Expecting to find carnage but not one trap was sprung

All week the same thing happened, not a solitary bite
While I was kept awake by their scratching every night

I’d lie there with my eyes closed and wouldn’t hear a peep
But the second I’d drop off it’s like they knew I was asleep

How am I supposed to kip when two metres above
Those noisy little rodents are busy making love

I could hear the little bastards but if only I could see
So I hooked up an old camera and plugged it in to my TV

I watched for four days straight, nothing stirred in all that time
Like watching ‘Big Brother’ except a better storyline

To break the monotony I flicked on free to air
Viewed late night infomercials, was either that or Yogi Bear

Now I have three vacuum cleaners and a dozen ice cream makers
A Turbo Scrub, five ladders and six solar cocktail shakers

I’ve just bought a pain eraser and another two for spares
A paint runner, twelve pillows, and fifteen massage chairs

Three home gyms, one vibrates and jiggles off your fat
Nine laser hair removers, but they won’t remove a rat

Now I realise what’s happened though a little bit too late
Thought I was the hunter but it was me who took the bait

The rodents win again and did it with such ease
The rats showed restraint while I fell for the cheese

Intelligence is relative and more complex than I’d thought
Sometimes it’s those who set the trap who end up getting caught

© Copyright 2017 Ian Bland

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Also have a listen to the songs on the new album “Everything or Nothing”