Photo By Jools Thatcher

Photo By Jools Thatcher

The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “ Clubs “.

Manchester UK: Good afternoon John, This week I’ve headed north on the train to one of my favourite towns, Manchester.

As usual, your themes seem to follow me round and I’m recording this a few feet away from what was the site of the famed Hacienda Club, owned by Factory Records, considered in it’s time to be the greatest club in the world and now – another bloody block of flats.

I haven’t sorted any accommodation yet, so I’m recording this in a public toilet cubicle – so please excuse the echo and the occasional flush – bugger, no toilet paper.

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Also have a listen to the tracks on the new EP “Once We Were Kings Of The World


When “Squirrel” joined the Banjo Club it triggered quite a craze
Soon all the kids were in a club; “Pig” sneered “It’s just a faze”

“Rabbit” took up model planes, though none would ever fly
The Fitzgerald sisters formed their own; “Boys need not apply!”

Even “Spanner” joined the Science Club along with Lindy Dent
“Frog” Walker became a naturist not knowing what that meant

“Smelly” Smith a brownie, Bruno Lucek a scout
“Pig” Mills began to feel that maybe he was missing out

But hobbies were like homework which to “Pig” seemed quite moronic
Little sparked his interest that wasn’t gastronomic

Then in his darkest hour, his spirits at a low
After school, on Chanel Nine, as he watched The Tarax Show

He could join The Tarax Club! Of course! A marriage heaven made
It combined his two great loves, TV and lemonade

He even got a badge, which filled him full of pride
They urged him to buy soft drinks and “Pig” dutifully complied

Singing “King Corky, King of the Kids, he’s the one for me”
Guzzling creamy soda as he laughed at Gerry Gee

Swigged sarsaparilla with Cousin Roy and Bernard the Magician
Limelite with Professor Ratbaggy, all thanks to television

When Uncle Norman broke his leg coming down the slide
“Pig” laughed so much he crapped his pants and had to go outside

A club where he was treated like a prince and not a hog
He quaffed with Daisy the Talking Cow, slurped with Freddo Frog

Advertising aimed at kids? “Pig” became irate
“Innocent entertainment” he squealed cracking his second crate

Little did he know as he sipped his tenth root beer
The club that gave life meaning was soon to disappear

Alas, in 1969 the show went off the air
“Pig” began to drink alone to handle the despair

His mother tried her best to help him cope with all his grief
Bought cola flavoured denture cream to soak his new false teeth

But “Pig” still felt abandoned; isolated, wronged
Discarded by his peers, nowhere he belonged

No other club would have him; a cruel humiliation
Rejection slips returned with every application

After hundreds of rebuttals came a break in 73
“Membership accepted” signed the RACV

These days he calls them out each month to see to this and that
Nothing mechanical, just to have a little chat

He gladly pays the extra, making sure when they arrive
All the neighbours see him when the van turns up his drive

It’s coming up to forty years, which “Pig” intends to mark
With a simple celebration, a few speeches and a plaque

He’s inviting the press and so called friends from near and far
For the first time in his life, he plans to get a car

© Copyright 2011 Ian Bland

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