Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Conspiracy Theories“.

Obviously the lockdown is getting to Jon. The choice of themes is just getting… how can I put this… out there?

This week isn’t a poem, its more a “film noir” radio play ( obviously without the film – its radio) but given the choice of theme it seemed a great way to have a lot of fun.


Ed Bates provided the suitably noirish backings, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Conspiracy Theories

As a private investigator, I get to see the ugly side of human nature.
I don’t deal in conspiracy theories, just cold, hard facts, but the world changed the day the CIA assassinated Kennedy.
Ever since Paul died while making ‘Sgt Peppers’ I’ve made it my business to seek out the truth and expose the raft of lies perpetrated by governments and the media controlled by Freemasons, Zionists, Pinkos and blood-sucking, shapeshifting, alien reptiles who live in a huge underground city beneath Denver Airport – irrefutable fact, I read it on the internet!
I was working undercover at The Bureau of Meteorology trying to verify my suspicion that they were being paid by North Korea to doctor the statistics to support climate change.

All through my investigations, one name kept coming up, again and again – 5G – but what did it mean?
I received intel suggesting 5G was an international organisation intent on taking over the world using mind control and was headed by 5 master criminals whose identities all ended with ‘G’
A tip-off led to the first perpetrator, Biggy Smalls, AKA The Notorious B.I.G. Unfortunately he was murdered before they could bring him in, believed to have been gunned down by a rival group of Anti-vaxxers. Police arrested a suspect but he died of measles before they could question him.

The second came to our attention when an informant reported suspicious behaviour in a hotel foyer – a man with Maria Carey’s hair playing ‘I’m In The Mood For Love’ on a soprano saxophone. I knew that M.O.D. – It was Kenny G.
We gave him a good working over but all we got out of him was ‘The Girl From Ipanema’.
While I searched for my earplugs he made a run for it and escaped in an elevator where my associates tell me he can still be heard today.

The third culprit was revealed by chance. A group of Star Trek nerds scanning the universe for Klingon communications accidentally tuned into SmoothFM and identified a mind-controlling frequency in the harmonies on “I’ve gotta get a message to you.” That’s right, it was Barry Gibb, the last remaining Bee Gee. Further analysis by forensic audiologists determined that if you played the song backwards it was exactly the same as forwards except in reverse.
It’s amazing what science can tell us these days.

It was fiendishly clever, but we were now only two steps away from bringing this criminal cartel to justice.
A rerun of a documentary on the history of Graham Kennedy’s In Melbourne Tonight pointed to the fourth member of this nefarious quintet.

It was the late Ron Blaskett’s ventriloquist’s dummy Gerry Gee.
Special branch tried everything to get him to talk but couldn’t get a word out of him. I told them the only way to get a ventriloquist’s doll to speak was to stick your hand up its arse, and sure enough, within seconds he was singing like a canary in mating season.

He confessed that after decades of lying in the bottom of a trunk, like Tony Abbot, he still held ambitions of a comeback.
There would be no second coming for either of them.
Tony was destined to drown in a right-wing think tank, while Gerry Gee was off to a museum.
I was now only one ‘G’ away cracking this case and destroying this evil empire for good – but who was it?
All intelligence had dried up so I had a profiler assess the evidence.
It suggested someone familiar with radio waves, most likely rude, abrupt, unkempt, narcissistic, no sense of humour and intent on crushing all criticism.

In desperation, I turned to my last resort for answers – the scrabble board.
I spelt out Five G conspiracy, giving a very healthy score of 31 points – JVG Radio Method, 31 points
Surely that couldn’t be right

World domination, score, 22 – Big, Bad, Jon, score 22
Judas reborn, score, 21 – Jon Von Goes, score 21?

There was no doubt, it was JVG

It was staring me in the face all the time – no radio show could be this bad without a reason.
He’d tried to throw me off the scent by changing the theme every week and I’d fallen for it.
It was right in front of me – JFK – CIA, JVG – KGB

We both went for our weapons but with 5G he was ten times faster than me.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

He fired three shots before I could get my smartphone out of my hipster brown, suede man bag.

The first bullet struck me between the eyes, went into my brain and out the other side, while the other two lodged in my heart – fortunately, they missed any vital organs but JVG was still able to overpower me.

Now I’m imprisoned beneath the RRR Studios.
102.7 – ten plus two plus seven equals nineteen – ring any COVID bells?
This might be my last chance to warn the world, you have to let people know the only way to prevent their mind’s being taken over is to …….

© Copyright 2020 Ian Bland


Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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