Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “ Cool “.

This week had the show being run by Sarah Carroll (JVG was allegedly at the Community Cup – we want pictures Jon). Sarah running the show is always a joy, enjoyed chatting with both her and Dan.

If you missed the show live I suggest you have a listen to the 3RRR Listen on Demand – Dan Warner & Co played a great version of  Cool Water and  
Gary Young, Mick Hamilton at the Paul Gadsby at the end of the show were brilliant.  One of those day s you were glad you were there.

And I believe the Rockdogs won – there is always next year. 

The poem is another trip back to the “neighbourhood” and has nothing to do with footy.

Ed Bates went missing this week, so I had the pleasure of Dan Warner providing the guitar backing. Have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


“It’s pretty cool” nodded ‘Rabbit’ McGorry; a casual observation
As he stood beside a billycart, Kingsley Mills’ latest creation

“Pretty cool?” snapped Kingsley “You turdial fop, pretty cool, you must be dreaming
The ‘Enforcer 3’ is a technical marvel: Cool? It’s so hot it’s steaming

You corpusulating gammock, simious flotherer, enough of your bootlickatory
Mongroleous droog, you obstrepovarian, don’t try to bathe in my glory

“All I was saying” ‘Rabbit’ tried to explain, though every attempt was thwarted
“Silence you pillbutt, porniperous festion” Kingsley gruffly retorted

Kingsley was ‘Pig’ Mills’ cousin and mirrored his absence of class
As thick as a pylon, as crude as a mallet and sharp as an elephant’s arse

He was nicknamed ‘Parrot’ due to a talent to mimic, just like the birds
Despite having no idea of their meaning, he could prattle off thousands of words

Every sentence designed as an insult; venomous, spiteful intent
All that saved him from copping a hiding was nobody knew what they meant

His dad had a theory how his son, as he called it, became so ‘articulated’
A set of encyclopaedias Mrs Mills had appropriated

Twenty four volumes, found in op shop, a steal at two pounds the lot
Since the Mills hated reading, the books were piled up to support young Kingsley’s cot

When he wet the bed, the pages were soaked and it all just sort of seeped in
Mr Mills was convinced his son learnt to talk by absorbing the words through his skin

“I wish I had his way with language” Kingsley’s dad often lamented
He had no idea his son’s lexicon was not learnt but entirely invented

Frankenstein’s monster, adjectives, nouns, moulded together like clay
If you can’t find a word, then make one up; Shakespeare did in his day

‘Rabbit’ leaned over the billycart and whispered in Kingsley’s ear
While ‘Rabbit’ spoke with less flourish, at least his meaning was clear

“Listen you gibbering dickhead, big words don’t make you clever
As for cool, I didn’t mean your pile of shit, I was referring to the weather”

With that, ‘Parrot’ Mills disappeared down the hill, Enforcer 3, would be seen no more
One can only hope he thought to add brakes when constructing Enforcer 4

© Copyright 2017 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to the songs on my album “Everything or Nothing

One comment on “Bland On Bland – Cool

  • Ian, we were running late to the cup and had this on whilst looking for a park – sheer brilliance. Thank you for your creativity. Love it! Evonne

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