Bland On Bland – Dangerousness

Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Dangerousness“.

Dangerousness!?!? Really? JVG is really stretching the friendship this week. Still, when you get a theme like that I have a cunning plan in reserve.

Head straight to the neighbourhood. So I did…

Ed Bates provided the musical backing.

Thatch provided the audio production, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


It was Squirrel’s suggestion to go fishing off the pier
Given storms had been forecast, probably not the best idea

But you couldn’t waste the weekend due to small things like the weather
Besides, how often is the forecast right? Almost always never

As they trundled down the jetty they looked a sorry bunch
Weighed down by their fishing gear, except Pig who carried lunch

He’d packed a bag of goodies; Acid Drops and Liquorice Squares
Gob stoppers, Jelly Babies, Cream Buns and Honey Bears

A complete balanced meal for the little band to savour
Every artificial colour, every artificial flavour

Utterly exhausted Pig hung the bag on the rail
Not the smartest place in the middle of a gale

With the metabolic rate of a hibernating sloth
The icy wind soon tired Pig out and he quickly nodded off

His friends continued fishing, faces stinging from the spray
Squirrel tied to a pylon so he wouldn’t blow away

Pig was woken from his torpor when he heard somebody yell
Just in time to see his bag disappearing in the swell

“Do something” barked Pig “before we lose the lot”
“I’m doing something” Rabbit sneered “I’m untangling a knot”

“The food” screamed Pig “you idiots, wasting food’s a sin”
“You lost it” shrugged Squirrel, “you want it, you jump in”

Logic played no part at all, such was Pig’s edacity
His gustatory ardour outstripped his brain’s capacity

This plight demanded action, it was not a time for thinking
The only danger Pig could see was the bag of goodies sinking

Very, very, slowly Pig began to strip
“I’m serious” he shivered “I’m going to take a dip”

“Ignore him” taunted Rabbit “he’s doing it for show”
“I’m gonna jump” cried Pig “unless one of yous would like to go”

With no takers, he stood there in his y-fronts and his socks
“Oh don’t be stupid” sighed Lindy “you’ll be washed onto the rocks

Or caught in a current, you could be dragged under and drowned
Smashed to pieces by the waves and your body never found”

“What would you know, you’re a girl” Pig at least was half correct
He found belittling someone disguised his lack of intellect

“I know enough” smiled Lindy “to know there are sharks about
And I know enough to know when the tide is going out

And I know enough to know you don’t go swimming when it’s hailing
And I know enough to know not leave things on the railing”

While Squirrel, Pig and Rabbit continued with their squawking
Lindy quietly took her rod and let her fingers do the talking

She attached a heavy sinker and loosened off the drag
Pitched the line fifty metres and with her first cast hooked the bag

She gently reeled it in to below where Pig was standing
Squirrel grabbed the gaff and hauled it up onto the landing

“That’s cheating” scoffed Pig “but it’s one way I suppose”
As he tried to scoff a cream bun while putting on his clothes

He became somewhat distracted when he spied a chocolate chip
He went to do his fly up and caught his manhood in the zip

He screamed out in agony, it seemed stuck in there to stay
Rabbit noted it was the only thing that Pig had caught all day

Squirrel finally freed Pig’s pride after several painful tries
“You’ll have to throw it back” he quipped “it’s come in undersize”

Danger is all around us; carelessness or circumstance
Some we bring upon ourselves and some we meet by chance

Some are drawn to danger, to others it’s a shackle
But if you’re going fishing keep both eyes on your tackle

© Copyright 2021 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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