Photo By Jools Thatcher

Photo By Jools Thatcher

The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “ Darling “.

Good afternoon Jon – or should I say “Darling.” God, that sounded like a cross between Frank Thring and Darth Vader with a bit of Tom Waits on the side.

Regardless, greetings, once again, from Coventry.

Winter’s closing in over here, trees are losing their leaves and it’s very misty in the mornings – just the right environment for a bit of a barney, and helping me out this week is someone always up for a blue, the ever belligerent, impatient and remorseless Nicola Graham.

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Also have a listen to the songs on the New Album “Angel In Reverse


Please don’t call me “Darling.” I find it really grating
Like nails scraped down a blackboard: God, it’s nauseating

Well I have to call you something. “Hey you” sounds pretty lame

Here’s something novel. You could call me by my name

But “Ian” sounds so wet! Especially paired with “Bland”
And in that flannel shirt, I mean – oh, you wouldn’t understand

I understand precisely, you’re so “upper middle class”
Your problem, like your friends, is your heads stuck up your..

Look, it’s meant to be affectionate; not a word you’d comprehend
After twenty years you still introduce me as “your friend”

Well you are my friend but I don’t call you “Babe” “Doll” or “Honey”
How should I introduce you? My cuddly little bunny?

Look, “Darling” is endearing: it’s warm, romantic, tender
Which you think means a steak that’s been softened in a blender

See this, my passport, “Ian Bland” Agreed, you wouldn’t choose it
But good or bad, I’m stuck with it, so why not simply use it?

So what if “Darling’s” not your name? What is there to hate?
When we go down the pub you call everybody “mate”

That’s completely different. Yeah, hypocritical for one thing
You know I can’t remember names, I have to call them something

But “Darling’s” so pretentious, it stinks like cheap perfume
Like some shallow, petty, socialite, swanning round the room

It’s demeaning, affectatious, rude and patronising
Which from someone with your intellect, I frankly find surprising

You pompous, two faced, tosser. Are your talents never ending?
Decrying patronising with a serve of condescending

Your poetry or your bigotry. I’m not sure which is worse
You know behind your back you’re called the Forest Gump of verse

Forest who?
Just please don’t call me “Darling” You know it drives me nuts
Especially in company – no maybes, ifs or buts

Alright, alright, you’ve made your point. Relax, I won’t forget
I will never, ever, call you darling, ever! Okay pet?

Yeah, that’s better, alright then – Hang on!

© Copyright 2013 Ian Bland

One comment on “Bland On Bland – Darling

  • Hi Ian just writing to say enjoying your poems each week via the www
    Sounds like you are keeping well and having a constant adventure which is the main thing I assume you wanted for yourself and the family. We all miss of course in not so sunny melb town and await your return eventually(?)
    Anyway mate keep up the great work and see you when we see you
    P.S. thanks for name checking the largers the other week

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.