Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Diseases“.


Diseases

Don’t think I’ll shop today, why bother going down the street?
Thanks to all the hoarders there’s bugger all to eat

We view ourselves as civilised but it’s a thin veneer indeed
The first sign of trouble brings disorder, panic, greed

The slightest hint of danger and decorum disappears
At heart we’re still Neanderthals; credit cards instead of spears

The butcher’s shop was cleaned out, no point in going now
I saw one bloke in an SUV with a pig and half a cow

There’s not much in the aisles at my local IGA
Coles, Woolworths, Aldi; all the same, there’s sweet f.a.

Milk and eggs have vanished along with pasta, flour and rice
As for dunny rolls, forget it, can’t be had at any price

Wet wipes, nappies, tissues and even paper towels
In times of stress the first thing people think of is their bowels

In these uncertain times you have to ‘think outside the square’
What’s the use in searching for things you know aren’t there?

Forget the herd mentality, try thinking for yourself
You could ‘think outside the square ’or ‘think outside the shelf’

While the hordes fight for anything that’s packaged, frozen, cooked
I’m focussing instead on what the herd has overlooked

I’ve come up with a menu I’m confident’s a winner
So all of you who’ve missed out, I’m inviting you for dinner

Pappadums with toothpaste; how’s that for a starter?
Enjoy the minty taste while it removes your plaque and tartar

It’s fine for vegetarians, and it beats a toilet roll
As for Vegans, instead of toothpaste I have a tube of Anusol

Main course, Meat Surprise; now there’s a decent feed
According to the packet it can be served to any breed

I know technically its dog food, but hey, what’s in a name
Choice of beef, lamb or kangaroo, they look and taste the same

It is hard on the teeth and it tastes like creosote
But looking on the plus side they guarantee a silky coat

Any Vegans I can offer you a second appetiser
A consommé of mouthwash mixed with liquid fertiliser

I’m known for my desserts, they always go down well
Quick Eze with a chest rub glaze, topped with moisturising gel

For those who don’t like Aloe, try the Quick Eze on their own
Or you have a choice of sunscreen and menthol shaving foam

Vegans, of course, I’m not forgetting you
I have a trio of Zinc Sticks; green, pink and blue

So I’d like to thank the hoarders for the feast that I’ve prepared
The supermarket tourists ensuring not a shelf was spared

As you huddle round your freezers, snouts buried in the trough
I’ll be thinking of you fondly when the bloody power goes off

All you Doomsday Preppers, go a little gently please
Remember Corona is a virus – hoarding’s the disease

© Copyright 2020 Ian Bland


Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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