Photo By Jools Thatcher

Photo By Jools Thatcher

The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “ Dolls “.

Hmm. Dolls, this is a theme is it Jon? Let’s see Christmas is just around the corner, presents, children. Children? Now there’s a thought. I think a trip to the “neighbourhood” is called for. I haven’t been there for a while.

Once again we have Ed Bates making the very nice guitar sounds you hear in the background.

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Also have a listen to the tracks on the new EP “Once We Were Kings Of The World


“Pig” Mills was drawn to Christmas
As a leech is drawn to blood
Retribution could be brutal
If the present was a dud

When Auntie Cath, instead of toys
Presented him with clothes
“Pig” purloined her dentures
Stuck them up the parson’s nose

Even Santa wasn’t spared
For leaving hankies in “Pig’s” sack
Next year instead of chocolate
He got Laxettes for his snack

“Pig” never once forgot
And never once forgave
He maintained the Christmas spirit
Was to get more than you gave

His grandma lived in England
He’d only met her twice
But her gifts were always exy
“Pig” knew, he checked the price

Meccano sets, Scalextric
Airfix model planes
Corgi, Husky and Dinky Toys
Triang and Hornby trains

But this years would be special
He’d sent a wish list via Mum
A James Bond Attaché Case
Complete with built in gun

It wasn’t sold in Melbourne
“Pig” planned it to a tee
He’d open this present in front of his friends
Make their gifts look like debris

The gift arrived as promised
And once the crew was round
“Pig” sighed with indifference “Not another one”
“For me? Look what I’ve found”

If “Pig” was hoping to cause a sensation
He certainly realised that goal
When he ripped off the paper, no 007
But a blonde haired, Tammy Doll

A school dress, a tutu, a snow bunny outfit
Skates, for a day on the ice
Bikini, Pyjamas, two slips and a hairbrush
Well a girls got to keep herself nice

“This isn’t mine” “Pig” shouted in horror
As he tried backpedalling hard
“Arseholes it isn’t” “Squirrel” responded
“Look, your names on the card”

These days, of course, a boy with a doll
Is healthy socialisation
Back then, it was different, you were branded a poof
Risked excommunication

At school the kids were merciless
As kids are now and were then
“Pig’s” teacher addressed him as “Barbie”
His classmates renamed him “Ken”

“Pig’s” granny, it seemed, had made a mistake
“Must have mixed up the parcels” she said
The spy kit was sent to “Pig’s” cousin in Auckland
While he got her dolly instead

An unfortunate error by a caring old lady
“I’m sorry” what else could she say?
But remorse didn’t cut it in “Pig’s” selfish world
He vowed his Grandma would pay

On her eightieth birthday a parcel arrived
Unsigned, no card and no stickers
A twelve month supply of incontinence pads
And five pairs of crutch less knickers

“Pig” never lived down the humiliation
It proved to be more than traumatic
It’s said, despite his repeated denials
He still plays with his Tammy in the attic

© Copyright 2011 Ian Bland

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