Bland On Bland – Electricity

Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Electricity“.

I had a lot of fun this week getting all the samples of the late great Professor Julius Sumner Miller from his “Why Is It So” programs I remember from when I was a kid and doing a “tone poem” in the background that continued through the track that came after the poem on the show.

We cant include all of it here ( copyright etc ) but it all worked out really well.

Ed Bates provided the music backing and sound effects. Thatch provided the audio production, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


Joules Hertz was a fake; a pretentious length of cable
Not only was he dangerous but inherently unstable

He was nowhere near the 20 amps his specification stated
He may have looked the part but he was grossly overrated

He was flexible and tactile which fooled many a naïve appliance
But looks can be deceptive and not backed up by science

Hertz may have conned the gullible with his suppleness and flattery
But the load he could deliver wouldn’t challenge a double A battery

Coiled up in a roll, like a snake waiting to strike
Melting diodes and capacitors with a sudden voltage spike

Yet still he drew them in thanks to his strong magnetic field
With his electromagnetism white goods were quick to yield

Once he had them trusting things rapidly turned sour
One flick of the switch and they were robbed of all their power

Heaven help computers that succumbed to the urge
Once plugged in to Hertz he’d destroy them with a surge

He had no conscience, no empathy, no capacitance, no charity
If his prey became suspicious he’d merely change polarity

But justice comes to all; sometimes sooner, sometimes later
Hertz met his Waterloo thanks to a small refrigerator

Little Sammi Sung was barely three hundred litre
But soon had Hertz sussed out once he’d spied him on a meter

“Certified, my arse” thought Sam “he’s not twenty amp
I wouldn’t trust this prick to charge a phone or power a lamp”

Sammi’s suspicions were proved to be well founded
Not only was Hertz underpowered he wasn’t even grounded

Sammi gasped in horror – Hertz didn’t have an earth
Sensing it was time to strike Hertz gave it all his worth

The current flowed through Hertz but he soon began to twitch
He hadn’t considered Sam might have a safety switch

Hertz couldn’t complete the circuit no matter how hard he tried
His end came in millisecond; casing melted, wires fried

Banished to the garden amongst the roses and the hoses
Lost all electric potential while he slowly decomposes

A just and fitting end for one so mercenary and zealous
At least he still carries currents; he tethers grapevines to a trellis

© Copyright 2021 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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