Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Good Behaviour“.


Last show for 2019 and thank you all for showing up

Huge thanks to Jon and 3RRR for the support

See you in 2020


Ed Bates provided the guitar backing, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Good Behaviour

Christmas, a joyous occasion
When family is celebrated
You come together, one thing in common
You’re allegedly all related

Aunties and Uncles, sisters and brothers
Others by marriage co-opted
It’s the day you’re reminded, if Darwin’s correct
There’s no doubt you were adopted

You’ve sworn this year you’ll all behave
Nothing’s going to spoil it
Once Uncle Clarry has a beer
Things go down the toilet

He rants about Global Warming
How it’s all a left wing con
Then complains about the temperature
And wants the air conditioning on

Good old cousin Kevin
He’s as sharp as Santa’s sleigh
He just realised last Christmas
Was exactly a year to the day

Aunt Valda married a moron
Of course he sits next to you
You ask how he is and he lets you know
From midday till quarter past two

Uncle Sid bought the Bon-Bons on special
He’s as tight as an asthmatic wheeze
The hats don’t fit, the crackers won’t crack
And the jokes are all in Chinese

Your brother was bringing the turkey
But he stays at the pub until three
Rocks up with corn chips and salsa
And a bucket of KFC

Still you don’t learn much about someone
From table talk and a meal
It’s when you open their presents
You discover how they truly feel

An ironing board cover, how practical
You really are too kind
Curtain rings, how handy
Except I’ve got Venetian Blinds

A carton of Courage Draft
Did you notice the use by date?
Yes you’re right it does say January
1978!

Aunt May’s homemade haemorrhoid cream
Aren’t you the perfect host?
Uncle Kev mistook it for mustard
And spread it all over the roast

Perhaps I could use it for lip balm
That should get a few smiles
Though your gluten free quinoa pudding
Is bound to give us all piles

A collar and leash for Alfie?
You shouldn’t have, that’s so sweet
You really know how to spoil a dog
Except Alfie’s a parakeet

Monogrammed handkerchiefs, how divine
Name printed round the edge
A lovely present – just one question
Who the hell is Barbara Dredge?

Is that the time? I better get moving
You can only take so much cheer
Thank Auntie Bev for the bunion pads
They’re the ones I gave her last year

Tell Cousin Kevin, I’ve done some research
In a staggering quirk of fate
Christmas next year, by my calculations
Will fall on the very same date

Good night all, catch up in twelve months
Look forward to seeing you then
Your face looks familiar. You’re who? My sister?
What was your name again?

© Copyright 2019 Ian Bland


Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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