The theme this week for Jon’s JVG Radio Method on 3RRR is “HEAVY”. I had a lot of fun with this one.

Click to hear today’s poem… [audio:JVG_Poem20080615.mp3]

I am phoning today’s poem in while waiting for the soundcheck at a gig my “other” band is playing. We are at the the Sandringham Football Club and it’s always a good gig. Jon and I chatted about topics as diverse as watching kids kick a footy at half time to the “lost” Stephen Stills album.

Hope you like today’s poem


“The usual Des — plus a Parma and chips — My brother, he’ll have the same”
The barman smiled blankly, replied “No worries mate” seemed reluctant to address him by name

The Bowden brothers, Kevin and Laurie, were more than identical twins
Closer to clones, one person divided and poured into separate skins

Language and looks, posture and clothing, neither stupid nor particularly smart
Even their mother, with whom they still lived, could do no more than guess them apart

Both barracked for Richmond, enjoyed fishing and gambling, neither had a girlfriend, not ever
Both worked as painters — houses not portraits, always the twins worked together

The same taste in food, movies and music, hair the same style and same length
The solitary difference was the beer they preferred; one drank light, the other full strength

That should have been enough to distinguish the two but it served to further confound
Some claimed Kevin drank light, Laurie full strength, others swore the other way around

It was Des, the barman, who came up with the answer, based on their chosen bevie
From that day forth, instead of Kevin and Laurie they were known as “Light” and “Heavy”

Everyone at the pub addressed them as “mate” at least till they had their first beers
The light always served in a pot with a handle — yet another of Des’s ideas

The brothers had arms like Iron bark trunks and a manner both rude and direct
In the pub that garnered fear more than friendship and a healthy though guarded respect

Aside from the beers no-one could split them, though it’s fair to say most preferred “Light”
“Heavy” was prone to get testy and loud the later it got in the night

Though he’d had several warnings, which “Heavy” ignored, reacting with complete disregard
When he knocked out the bouncer, Des cried “Enough! You’ve been warned; “Heavy” you’re barred”

The very next evening both brother’s marched in, the staff didn’t know what to do
As both ordered light, they had to be served — there was no way of telling who was who

The brothers were chuffed at their little deceit, it seemed “Heavy” had won a reprieve
But Des as we’ve seen was nobody’s fool, he had one more trick up his sleeve

Des knew a secret, one he’d kept to himself, letting others live in blissful delusion
He figured the question of which brother was which had caused more than its share of confusion

One night he’d noticed a gash on “Light’s” face which he claimed he’d jagged on some tin
The next day Des noted “Light’s” wound had healed and the gash now on “Heavy’s” chin

Several weeks later, as he walked through the car park, he overheard the brothers arrive
“Turn it up Laurie, I’m on the full strength, remember, it’s your turn to drive”

So Laurie was “Heavy” and “Light” as was Kevin, while “Light” was “Heavy” as well
Which meant “Heavy” was “Light” but not at the same time — no wonder no-one could tell

It said a lot for Des’s observational skills but it didn’t solve the problem at hand
There was no way of knowing who’d thrown the punch and which of the brothers he’d banned

Though feigning defeat, Des wasn’t finished, he still had a ban to enforce
He kept serving beers to both Laurie and Kevin in pots with handles of course

The boys grew more cocky with each round of drinks, Des stood po-faced as they laughed
What they didn’t realise is they weren’t drinking light but vodka mixed with full strength draught

It didn’t take long till the brothers grew punchy and started throwing round weight
Here they were thinking they’d outsmarted Des when it was them who’d taken the bait

Moments later the brothers were fighting each other, next thing they took on the bar
With the car park gates mysteriously locked they weren’t driving home in their car

Outwardly Des was appalled at the mayhem, but inside took delight in the strife
It no longer mattered which brother was which — Des had them both barred for life

Some listeners prefer a more predictable ending, so for you I offer another
When mistaken for “Heavy” “Light” responded, “I’m not heavy, he’s my brother”

© Copyright 2008 Ian Bland

2 comments on “Bland On Bland – Heavy

  • This is very familiar. Col and Laurie were ‘the bookends’ at the Banger. It’s not them by any chance is it?

  • Sorry to say it wasn’t Col & Laurie.
    There must be a few sets of twins pulling the same scam — and if i had a twin i dare say i would be giving it a try myself.
    Come to think of it maybe i could just pretend i have a twin (i have 2 shirts, pants etc)
    Maybe i could pretend i was a quadruplet which leaves me with 2 up my sleeve.

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