Bland On Bland – Hey

Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Hey“.

Ed Bates provided the guitar backing, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


“Hey you, get your arse back here, clean up that bloody mess
You doggie types are all the same; couldn’t care bloody less

Are you deaf as well as stupid? Have the guts to turn around
If you don’t clean this up I’ll have your mutt thrown in the pound”

“Who me?” quizzed the stranger “what you on about?
“Come back here” barked Fred “and maybe you’ll find out

Your four-legged mongrel just fouled my nature strip
Buggered if I’ll let you turn my place into a tip”

“What makes you think it’s my dog that left the calling card?”
“I’ll tell you why” roared Fred “I’ve spent all day in the yard

I’ve seen everyone and everything and you pair were the last
Since that pile appeared no other dog’s been past

“It’s what’s called the process of elimination”
“Elimination?” scoffed the stranger “more like evisceration

There’s no way Snowflake could have laid that log
Look, she’s a Shih Tzu; that thing’s longer than the dog”

“It’s a Shih Tzu alright” snarled Fred “and it Shat Tzu on my grass
I don’t know what you feed it but you should sew up its arse”

“You’re unhinged” the stranger sneered “or had too much to drink
Either way you stupid prick you need to see a shrink”

The stranger headed down the street, Fred followed shouting “Hey!
We’ll test your mongrel and that curler and compare the DNA”

The stranger stopped dead in his tracks and slowly turned around
“Go anywhere near Snowflake and you’ll be curled up on the ground”

They started pushing and swearing, completely off their heads
The noise drew Vera Shultz who lived two doors down from Fred’s

“You’re grown men” she lectured “don’t be so absurd”
Then gave a little gasp when she laid eyes on the turd

“There you are” said Vera “goodness gracious I’m a dag”
Picked it up and brushed it off and popped it her bag

“I wondered where that went” she beamed “it is a little smelly
Must have dropped it just before as I came home from the deli

A nice Polish Kaszanka; I bought it for our lunch
My Alby loves a sausage with a little bit of crunch

The two men so incredulous, that neither of them saw
Snowflake wander off and take a dump at Fred’s front door

© Copyright 2018 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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