Bland On Bland – Intelligence Officer

Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s 3RRR JVG Radio Method poem is “Intelligence Officer“.

JVG’s choice was “dark” and so by was my voice as I wasn’t feeling the best so once again, it was back to the “neighbourhood” and another tale of the underworld of school intrigue and violence.

Ed Bates provided the musical backing.
Thatch provided perhaps a tad much audio production, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Intelligence Officer

There was tension in the schoolyard; patience wearing thin
A rat in their midst who was dobbing students in

‘Ding Dong’ Bell’s penny bungers and his father’s ‘Girls and Gags’
Jenny Quick’s padded bra and ‘Pig’s’ supply of chocolate fags

‘Squirrel’s’ English cheat notes threw them all under a bus
‘Rabbit’ looked up solemnly “No-one knew ‘cept us”

Most had a theory though it was purely supposition
Classmates foe or friend, all were viewed with suspicion

“We need intelligence” frowned ‘Rabbit’ “someone we’re sure’s not bent
Someone who’s smart and subtle; I propose Lindy Dent”

“Oh, that’s not fair” sulked ‘Pig’ “a girl can’t be a spy
I’ve got the Dick Tracey glasses, I’d make a better private eye”

“I said intelligence” Rabbit’ barked “perhaps the word gives you a clue?
If I’d said brainlessness I swear the job would have gone to you”

‘Pig’ wasn’t happy as he slowly shuffled home
“I’ll show them” he muttered “I’ll catch the mole on me own”

Now Lindy had a theory though as yet she had no proof
Wisely she stayed silent till certain of the truth

Kids were always caught on Fridays which led her to assume
That the traitor likely struck on Thursday afternoon

‘Pig’ formed his own conclusion less on evidence than hunch
He’d spied Gordon Tibbles talking to the headmaster at lunch

There’s your snitch” snarled ‘Pig’ “case closed, I’ve seen enough”
He brought in muscle, the Bourke boys, as thick as they were tough

They gave Gordy such a wedgie, the poor lad couldn’t walk
Even Indian Rope Burns couldn’t persuade the rat to talk

“Spill the beans” barked ‘Pig’ “confess and then we’re done’
‘But I’m innocent’ sobbed Gordy “I never dobbed on anyone”

‘Pig’ was secretly delighted that his prisoner wouldn’t break
He was curious to see how much torture it would take

“C’mon boys’ rasped ‘Pig’ “inflict unbearable pain
They forced his head into the dunny; ‘Pig’ smiled and pulled the chain

Then ‘Rabbit’ bolted in, Gordy’s head still in the bowl
“Let him go” snapped ‘Rabbit’ “Lindy’s uncovered the mole

It’s Mr Tonks, the librarian, not Gordy who’s the lag
When we’re at sport on Thursdays he goes through every bag”

They all glared at ‘Pig’ who would not concede his crime
Slapped Gordy on the back and chirped “We’ll let you go this time

You can’t blame me for trying, besides no harm done” he sniffed
He wasn’t fooling anyone and retribution would be swift

Five spuds up the exhaust pipe of Tonks’ Goggomobil Dart
When he went to start the engine the head gasket blew apart

Gordy’s brothers ambushed ‘Pig’ on the oval after school
Lashed him naked to the goal post and poured honey on his jewels

Called on Crackers, their Kelpie, both lunatic and mean
He bared his teeth, had a sniff and licked ‘Pig’s’ boyhood clean

Justice, it is said, must be seen as well as done
It was seen alright, tied to a post, oysters glistening in the sun

© Copyright 2022 Ian Bland


Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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