Photo By Jools Thatcher

Photo By Jools Thatcher

The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “ Jane “.

Good afternoon Jon and also Janelle, the new JVG Radio Method bard according to Dan Warner on the program last Sunday.

Greetings, once again from Coventry after an exhilarating if not slightly punishing Warwick Folk Festival last weekend.

By rights I should be doing the “Fuller Shit” segment this week, after the district sewerage pumping station failed sending tens of thousands of litres or raw sewerage pouring onto the property including a good ankle depth in the kitchen and dining room.
The only words of support my friends offered was it smelt better than the crap I usually cook – Kamahl had it right – “People can be so unkind.”

Maybe we can re-name the segment Poo-etry? Poo-etry and motions? Maybe not – see what Janelle thinks.

Anyway, good name Jane. I have a sister named Jane and she wouldn’t put up with any crap in her kitchen.

Wouldn’t have this show on for a start!

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Also have a listen to the songs on the New Album “Angel In Reverse


Dear Jane, Thanks for writing
An actual, dead tree letter!
Complete with half your dinner
Was it? Liver? Garlic? Fetta?

A change from electronic mail
facebook, google, twitter
All Viagra and viruses
Where letter stands for litter

At The Method, we’re aware
Of the need for constant tweaking
We welcome candid comments
And your colourful critiquing

Having scraped the onions off
To access your suggestions
Speaking unofficially
I’ll try to answer all your questions

Yes, Jon is sometimes rude
I can’t deny that fact
But a boorish, uncouth, sociopath?
Completely lacking tact?

In his defence, he’s borderline
Personality disorder
Please excuse the Tipp-Ex Jane
I’m just whiting over “border”

Dictator? Megalomaniac?
I’ll concede, at times, he’s blunt
But Jane, I take exception
To a vulgar, loathsome – Dan?

No, Dan doesn’t like my coffee
He’s entitled to his view
Says more about his palette
Than it does about my brew

I admit I’m no barista
Never claimed to be
But Dan, the caffeine connoisseur
Wasn’t coffee – it was tea

Yes, Warner has a unique voice
I can’t argue with that
He is extremely versatile
Sings both sharp and flat

With the aid of Doctor Bellows
And Nathan Farrelly
There’s an almost even chance
At least one will sing in key

Anthony Morgan, Jane
Is not a little slow
The term that’s used is “timing”
Not a word you probably know

Yes, Anthony gets passionate
But only comes on strong
When Jon stuffs up his intro
And fails to play his song

Jane, you asked if Ed can talk
The answer’s “yes” and “no”
His verbal skills as vast
As the great Marcel Marceau

Guitar’s a form of therapy
Improves enunciation
And when Ed starts to dribble
We just up his medication

Pete Ewing brings a hint of youth
A hint – but little more
The only member of the team
Born post the First World War

Helps out on Warner Corner
With harmonies and hooks
Like all here on The Method
He wasn’t chosen for his looks
We too, miss Keith Fuller, Jane
His understated wit
But a joy to see those following
Are just as full of shit

I’ve just had a thought
Perhaps you should have a shot
Having read your letter
You’d be perfect for the spot

Finally, Jane, I thank you
For your poetry advice
But “A rambling, rhyming, turd?”
That isn’t very nice

Call me what you like
But that’s not even close
Try didactic driveller
Hackneyed and verbose

Your last page I can’t read
Almost, but not quite
It appears the page is smeared
With what I hope is Vegemite

Thanks for sharing dinner, Jane
Beet root, cabbage, ham
Much better than the internet
Where the diet’s mostly “Spam”

And thank you for your letter
Enjoyed it, on the whole
Though I think your future lies online
I believe, the term is “troll”

Next time send an e-mail
Or possibly a tweet
Then, you can eat your meal in peace
And I can hit “delete”

© Copyright 2013 Ian Bland

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.