Bland On Bland – Kitchens

Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Kitchen“.

The show started well this week, JVG was late and somehow I was left in charge for a few moments, not long enough to do any damage, although the first song up curiously enough did turn out to be one of my old tracks.

Kitchen is a good theme, long mined by the blues and jazz traditions. With a pedigree like that who am I to walk past a history of good ideas.

Have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


“Valma, what’s that cupboard there; it’s sort of pinky mauve?”
Valma rolled her eyes “Roy, that cupboard is the stove”

“The stove eh?” Roy observed “still looks pretty new”
“It was here Roy when we bought the house in nineteen sixty two”

“Well what’s that bottle” Roy continued “that bottle made of metal?”
Val dropped her head into her hands “That Roy would be the kettle”

“Ah, so that’s the famous kettle” Roy chuckled “bugger me
Val, since you’re standing next to it I’d love a cup of tea”

“Second shelf” barked Val, the sugar’s on the third
The milk will be on you if you say another word

This room is called ‘the kitchen’ Roy; don’t think you’ve been in here
Least no further than the fridge long enough to grab a beer

I’ve been asking you for years to change the washer on the tap
I’m surprised you found the kitchen without me drawing you a map”

“Val, the kitchen’s your domain” Roy was arguing his case
“I’m showing you respect by not encroaching on your space”

“You give me space alright” sneered Val “ironing, scrubbing, mopping
In the kitchen, bathroom, laundry; when I’m gardening or shopping

But when I serve up dinner, then you’re all too willing
Space is not a problem Roy; except the space you’re filling”

“I had a full time job remember; c’mon Val, fair go”
“A full time job?” Val scoffed “that was years ago

Three days a week for twenty years and been retired for ten
There’s a lot of meals and dishes that I’ve had to sort since then”

“Don’t forget my projects” Roy was fighting for his pride
We both made a contribution – I made mine outside”

“Like the bird feeder” Val recalled “should be finished soon
The time it’s taken so far we could have colonised the moon

The barbed wire cheese grater that was going to make our riches
It not only ruined cheese it left you with twenty stitches

And your outdoor table cost more than ten bought from a shop
A decade on it still awaits three legs and a top

The possum trapping thingy, what became of that?
That’s right, it caught no possums but it killed the neighbours’ cat

Your fold up, portable barbeque; that was very good
To cut down on the weight you made the griller out of wood

While I cook, clean and vacuum and change linen on the bed
You’re designing toilet roll holders, drinking beer out in your shed

I’m a prisoner in the kitchen and you know what riles me most?
How can you make furniture but can’t make a slice of toast?”

“Calm down Val, you’re overwrought; the weather I suppose
Sit down and turn the TV on; relax – and iron some clothes

“I’d – like – a – cup – of – tea – Roy!” Val gave an icy stare
“No worries love” Roy replied “I’ll have a coffee while you’re there”

© Copyright 2019 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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