Bland On Bland – Leaving

Photo By Jools Thatcher
Photo By Jools Thatcher

The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Leaving“.

First one for the new year and straight into the “neighbourhood”.


Ed Bates supplied the guitar backing this week

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Also have a listen to the songs on the New Album “Angel In Reverse


“Not leaving are you boys? Kenny Leech enquired
“Rabbit” nodded sheepishly – “Pig” Mills just perspired

“Pig’s” foolproof plan, as usual, descended into farce
Another bright idea turned round to bite him on the arse

His objective: the Drive-In; though the entry price was steep
The titillating feature, the lurid “Naked in the Deep”

A pearl diving adventure, with sharks and buried chests
No real plot, a showcase, for a throng of heaving breasts

“The King’s Cross Whisper” rated it – gave it half a star
There was only one small problem – they didn’t have a car

Kenny Leech, “Pig’s” neighbour, was older by three years
“Pig” greased up to Kenny, let him knick his old man’s beers

Kenny, in return, agreed he’d take them to the flicks
Along with girlfriend Glenys in his Valiant AP6

But once they’d joined the queue Kenny told them he was broke
“Pig” only had enough for two: he thought “Is this a joke”

Still, almost at the gate, there was no time for dispute
Kenny barked, “Give me the dosh, you hide in the boot”

“Pig” was claustrophobic and frightened of the dark
Kenny swore he’d let them out once he’d found a park

Through the gate, no problem: then over endless humps
“Pig” hyperventilating, “Rabbit” belching with the bumps

Finally slowing to a halt, “Pig” growing ever weaker
They heard the car door open and Ken hook up the speaker

They waited to be let out, trying to peek through any holes
Next they heard the car door close and an ad for Chiko Rolls

They waited – and they waited; out of mind and out of sight
Till the penny finally dropped – they were in there for the night

“The film’s begun” sobbed “Pig” “I heard a groan and grunt”
“That not the film” wheezed “Rabbit”, “the noise came from the front”

The Valiant rocked from side to side, suspension copped a beating
Had “Rabbit” feeling carsick – his tea began repeating

If you do hang out in car boots, I’d recommend not sharing
With anyone who’s supped on baked beans and pickled herring

“I’m sorry” whimpered “Rabbit” and let fly a putrid fart
“Pig’s” eyes and nose began to bleed, the shock near stopped his heart

“What’s that pong?” gasped Glenys “Ken, is that your feet?”
Just as “Pig”, starved for air, smashed through the back seat

The trauma knocked him senseless; he passed out on the horn
Nose down in the bucket that was Kenny’s buttered corn

Attendants ran from everywhere, torches flashing wildly
The odour stopped them in their tracks – it was foul, to put it mildly

Glenys took off naked with young Kenny in pursuit
He was later forced to sell the car, the stench lingered in the boot

“Pig” slowly regained consciousness and stared up at the screen
Just in time to see “The End” – not a nipple to be seen

As the credits faded, a final message scanned
“When leaving please remember, return your speaker to the stand”

© Copyright 2013 Ian Bland

2 Replies to “Bland On Bland – Leaving”

  1. Love your work Ian. Please tell me there are albums of you reciting on JVG’s show. It really is a Melbourne treasure your spot. Tom Tom last week was a cracker. SHOW ME THE ALBUMS, I’ve presents to buy! I’ll tune in for ever more. Good luck mate. Glenn.

  2. Hi Glenn, thanks for your comments. The annoying thing about Tom Tom is that it was basically true, with a bit of enhancement of course. As usual, the truth is only the jump off point!
    I have been planning a book with accompanying CD for some time, and will hopefully pull my finger out when I return from the UK in a few months. Keep listening mate and thanks for your support, Cheers Ian

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