Bland On Bland - Lights

The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Lights“.

Had to phone this one in from up the bush.

No Ed playing this week

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

“Pig” Mills’s Uncle Leonard was a peculiar sort of bloke
A ton of greenhouse gas released every time he spoke

A sparkie by profession, not half as clever as he thought
His mother always claimed he was a hundred amperes short

Wife Phyllis, long resigned and well versed in Leonard’s faults
Estimated he was missing round twenty thousand volts

A head the size of a watermelon: a brain the size of a pea
But an ego, so overinflated it would fill the MCG

Len could barely change a light bulb, let alone rewire homes
He couldn’t tell earth from positive; Didn’t know watts from ohms

But he thought himself a genius: viewed his ideas as profound
Claimed to know nothing about everything; as well as the other way round

Came Leonard’s fortieth birthday, guests due in quarter of an hour
Phyllis suggested he put down the mirror and get his arse in the shower

The guests had started arriving; and Len in a festive mood
While drying himself, decided, he would come down the stairs in the nude

Ever the showman, and proud of his bod, on this, his night of nights
He wrapped himself from head to toe in last year’s Christmas lights

A hundred metre power lead protruding from his tail
He wasn’t much good with fuses, so instead he bunged in a nail

He swanned down the stairs like Liberace outside onto the deck
Phyllis cried out “Climb down Len, you’ll break your stupid neck”

Len, assuming, the crowd were in awe, unaware he was seen as a fool
Without really thinking, executed a cartwheel and calmly dived into the pool

Len lit up like a neon sign: none game to grab the extension
He glowed then smoked and as Vern Crisp noted, “Everything stood to attention”

Ida Tonks was mesmerised, like all the Peeping Toms
“My God” she gasped “he’s harder than one of Edna Wallgate’s scones”

The doctor came in minutes, found Leonard stiff and damp
Examined him for vital signs: barely raised a milliamp

Attempted resuscitation: then dressed Len in his robes
“Nothing more that I can do – except replace the globes”

When told of Len’s exertions just prior to his expiring
The Doctor sighed “It’s obvious – Len had dodgy wiring”

There are lessons in this sorry tale, for those in any doubt
One minute you’re in perfect health, then bang, the lights go out

Even more importantly it supports my supposition
How difficult it is to find a good electrician

Also have a listen to the songs on the New Album “Angel In Reverse”

Bland On Bland – Lights