April 5, 2015 | Ian Bland | Leave a comment The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Lights“. Had to phone this one in from up the bush. No Ed playing this week To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below: https://ianbland.com.au/audio/JVG_Poem20150405.mp3 Lights “Pig” Mills’s Uncle Leonard was a peculiar sort of bloke A ton of greenhouse gas released every time he spoke A sparkie by profession, not half as clever as he thought His mother always claimed he was a hundred amperes short Wife Phyllis, long resigned and well versed in Leonard’s faults Estimated he was missing round twenty thousand volts A head the size of a watermelon: a brain the size of a pea But an ego, so overinflated it would fill the MCG Len could barely change a light bulb, let alone rewire homes He couldn’t tell earth from positive; Didn’t know watts from ohms But he thought himself a genius: viewed his ideas as profound Claimed to know nothing about everything; as well as the other way round Came Leonard’s fortieth birthday, guests due in quarter of an hour Phyllis suggested he put down the mirror and get his arse in the shower The guests had started arriving; and Len in a festive mood While drying himself, decided, he would come down the stairs in the nude Ever the showman, and proud of his bod, on this, his night of nights He wrapped himself from head to toe in last year’s Christmas lights A hundred metre power lead protruding from his tail He wasn’t much good with fuses, so instead he bunged in a nail He swanned down the stairs like Liberace outside onto the deck Phyllis cried out “Climb down Len, you’ll break your stupid neck” Len, assuming, the crowd were in awe, unaware he was seen as a fool Without really thinking, executed a cartwheel and calmly dived into the pool Len lit up like a neon sign: none game to grab the extension He glowed then smoked and as Vern Crisp noted, “Everything stood to attention” Ida Tonks was mesmerised, like all the Peeping Toms “My God” she gasped “he’s harder than one of Edna Wallgate’s scones” The doctor came in minutes, found Leonard stiff and damp Examined him for vital signs: barely raised a milliamp Attempted resuscitation: then dressed Len in his robes “Nothing more that I can do – except replace the globes” When told of Len’s exertions just prior to his expiring The Doctor sighed “It’s obvious – Len had dodgy wiring” There are lessons in this sorry tale, for those in any doubt One minute you’re in perfect health, then bang, the lights go out Even more importantly it supports my supposition How difficult it is to find a good electrician © Copyright 2015 Ian Bland Also have a listen to the songs on the New Album “Angel In Reverse” Share this:TweetEmailMoreTelegram