Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Living“.

The theme Jon chose for today was “Living” so in a fit of perversity and let’s face it annoying Jon can be so much fun I took the opposite tack…

Ed Bates provided the guitar backing, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


‘Rabbit’ McGorry’s budgie Ivan lay dead on the floor of his cage
It came as a shock, Ivan seemed healthy and barely five years of age

Mrs McGorry consoled her boy “I know son, it doesn’t seem fair
Ivan’s gone to a better place”. A better place? Like where?

‘Rabbit’ was too busy living to give any thought to dying
But Ivan’s demise raised questions that needed some clarifying

So Sunday he bailed up Reverend Bonehill in the rectory after church
“Begging your pardon your Holyship, but my budgie fell off the perch”

“I’m sorry to hear that, young McGorry, no-one likes losing a pet
Though I can’t imagine why your telling me, I’m a minister not a vet”

“Well” quizzed ‘Rabbit’, you talk to God, you oughta know what’s what
What I want to know is do pets like budgies go to heaven or not?”

“I can’t speak for God” the minister snapped “beyond speculation
I think it’s unlikely given animals can’t accept or reject salvation”

“You can’t speak budgie” ‘Rabbit’ fired back “least not far as I’m aware
For all you know every parrot might be chirping the Lord’s Prayer”

“That’s blasphemous talk McGorry, a bird singing a hymn
I’ll warn you now, forget your pet, your own chances are slim”

“What’s heaven like?” ‘Rabbit’ questioned “what do you do all day?”
“We do as God pleases” the reverend replied “convene with the angels and pray

There’s mansions bejewelled” Bonehill continued “and streets paved with gold”
“No tree huts? No fishing? No riding bikes?” ‘Rabbit’ was far from sold

“What do you eat and drink up there? Are there barbeques, milk bars and stuff?
“You won’t need food” the Reverend scoffed “the tree of life is enough

You’ll live an idyllic existence, working under God’s rule”
“Working?” ‘Rabbit’ harrumphed “bugger that, sounds harder than school

No sport, no pets, no soft drinks, no games, no holidays and no TV
Under constant supervision for all eternity

Thanks for the generous offer but with all respect you can stick it
No offence your Godliness but I’d rather be playing cricket

A bottle of Tarax and a fishing line, that’s my idea of living”
“You’ve condemned yourself” Bonehill cried “you’ll find Satan less forgiving”

‘Rabbit’ thanked him, turned to leave, paused for a second and farted
“If I’m going to hell anyway, I may as well get started”

And in case you’re wrong and St Peter lets Ivan through the door
Best to have some old newspapers handy ‘cause he craps all over the floor”

© Copyright 2018 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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