This week was the final Jon’s JVG Radio Method for 2007, Jon decided that he wanted the topic to be “MELANCHOLY CHRISTMAS” this week. It was to be a good excuse for the guests to unlimber their blues chops and it was a great topic for a poem, I really enjoyed getting stuck into this one.

Click to hear today’s poem… [audio:JVG_Poem20071223.mp3]

It was a great show, running behind with all the guests this week so Jon and I didn’t have a chance to chat much about how Christmas has become so commercial, with everyone releasing tacky Christmas songs. Here’s my contribution.

Ed Bates once again supplied seasonally appropriate backing on slide guitar today. Thanks for all your great work this year mate.

The show will return early in 2008


MELANCHOLY CHRISTMAS

melancholy christmas

what? christmas?, again! are you sure? almost here?
but i’m certain we’ve had it. what! one every year?!?

i mean every now and then, yeah, but they’re never content
they smell money and next thing it’s an annual event

the birth date of jesus? of course that’s what they say
but we all know he was really born sometime round may

in the middle of the holidays, the only time i could get
why not have it at easter, then you’ve got the boxed set

you know what will happen, everyone stressing
it will end in disaster, it’s just so depressing

for starters,
the christmas tree’s out, auntie rona’s asthmatic
even herbs in the stuffing can be problematic

last time we used wattle, but we can’t have that either
it creates absolute havoc, with my sisters hay fever

turkey’s been banned now cousin jane’s vegetarian
which sucks since she works as a civil libertarian

any sign of vegies and uncle kevin will riot
he only eats meat, he’s on the eskimo diet

get rid of the holly, little casey’s haemophiliac
and everything containing wheat, aunt margaret’s a celiac

not a solitary peanut, not even a fraction
or cousin john will have an allergic reaction

puffs up like a melon, gets really scary
same as aunty nance, except in her case it’s dairy

forget about the cake, uncle phil’s diabetic
and four of the cousin’s, probably genetic

lose all the bon bons, hide them somewhere
the noise makes uncle ben’s tinnitus flare

the presents inside drive aunt millie bats
she has a clinical phobia about paper hats

the jokes in the crackers send uncle dan histrionic
which in turn sends gladys, his wife, catatonic

the prawns, the crayfish, the oysters, all out
and cancel the pudding, uncle thatch has the gout

grogs off the menu, uncle russell’s alcoholic
fruit punch, that’s a no no, gives aunt thelma colic

no soft drinks ’cause young harry goes off his tree
the artificial colours trigger his adhd

uncle malc blows his nose on the linen serviettes
we dare not sing carol’s, gran’s got tourette’s

can’t have santa, cause aunt doris will scream
he’s an imperialist puppet of the capitalist regime

can’t have it inside, aunt clare’s claustrophobic
can’t have it outside, uncle ed’s agoraphobic

i bet it’ll be hot, over forty degrees
or cold as a polar bear’s arse, and we’ll freeze

the whole day is ruined, before it’s begun
am i the only one in this family, who knows how to have fun

christmas every year, it’s hard to believe
what next, an annual new years eve?

what? since when? oh piss off we’re not having both!

© Copyright 2007 Ian Bland

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