Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Money“.


Money

Had ‘Pig’ Mills penned a book on food he’d have written it in batter
He loved quality and quantity; overridingly the latter

His doctor, Hobson Crabbe, was concerned how much ‘Pig’ ate
In the interests of good health ‘Pig’ would need to halve his weight

Crabbe ordered him to exercise; ‘Pig’ rigorously protested
So to halve his weight he’d need to halve the calories ingested

Halving ‘Pig’s’ lunch money was a task left to his mother
His usual pie and cream bun would now be one but not the other

The concept of choosing ‘Pig’ found quite surreal
A pie without a bun was just not a balanced meal

He pilfered his money box; alas roles had been reversed
The coins replaced by curtain weights; his mum had got their first

Necessity is claimed to be the mother of invention
Compared to greed and gluttony it doesn’t rate a mention

While ‘Pig’s’ grades were the lowest in the history of the school
Underestimate rat cunning, it is you who are the fool

‘Pig’s” neural oscillations made a sloth look a gazelle
But when aroused by hunger they could melt the Gates of Hell

‘Pig’ devised a plan to address his deprivations
He bought a pie at lunchtime and began negotiations

He swapped his pie with ‘Rabbit’ for two sausage rolls
Which he passed on to ‘Squirrel’ for three coffee scrolls

Two scrolls went to Bruno for ten Ginger Snaps
The third to Lindy Dent in exchange, five licorice straps

He kept one strap as commission; split the four into pairs
Ten Jelly Beans for one lot, the other, two éclairs

The éclairs picked up by ‘Spanner’ in a most audacious trade
For two Bertie Beetles and a Frosty Lemonade

Which bundled with nine Jelly Beans ‘Pig’ put out to tender
He couldn’t have envisaged the frenzy he’d engender

They bid Cho Choo Bars and Dim Sims, but ‘Pig’ stuck to his guns
Finally dealing with the Buntley twins in exchange for two cream buns

He set aside the larger bun to be personally consumed
Put the smaller on the table and the bidding war resumed

When offered with the Ginger Snaps, again demand was high
‘Rabbit’ won the bidding and in return gave back ‘Pig’s’ pie

That left ‘Pig’ one jelly bean which he’d normally eat of course
He traded that to ‘Squirrel’ for a small sachet of sauce

He had his Cream Bun and his pie; ‘Pig’ had bartered well
Not half bad for a lad who couldn’t add or spell

‘Pig” devoured his well earned feast, almost too tired to speak
“If I have to work like this to eat I’ll lose the weight inside a week”

Money has its value though not as much as some believe
Ingenuity can realise what money can’t achieve

© Copyright 2018 Ian Bland


Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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