Bland On Bland – Monkey

Photo By Jools Thatcher
Photo By Jools Thatcher

The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “ Monkey “.

I feel a strong personal connection with this weeks theme, when I was 10 I was bitten by a monkey.

We were at a private zoo down Colac way (this was long before the “nanny state” put a stop to these sorts of things), the monkeys escaped and I went the wrong way and one jumped on my back and I was bitten. It might explain a lot? What do you think?

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Backing guitar today supplied by Ed Bates on slide.

Also have a listen to the tracks on the new EP “Once We Were Kings Of The World


When I was round nine I wanted a pet
Not a moth eaten moggie like most people get
Not a bum sniffing canine, no, something more funky
I announced to my parents I wanted a monkey

Mum rolled her eyes, just shook her head
Dad? I couldn’t repeat all he said
“Enough monkeys in this house, besides it’s illegal”
Tried buying me off with a dozy old Beagle

I was never one to let sleeping dogs lie
Tarzan had a monkey, why couldn’t I?
I hammered my parents but made no impression
I wanted a monkey! It became an obsession

Life would be sweet with a simian mate
We’d wrestle, play marbles, go swimming and skate
Hang out in trees, de-flea each other
Not just a pet, he’d be more like a brother

A handful of nuts, he’d obey every whim
Do my dirty work and Dad would blame him
He could rescue my Frisbee from the Turlington’s wattle
Try doing that with some limp axolotl

I trawled through the classifieds in Saturday’s Age
Even cased out the zoo, looked for holes in the cage
Harassed every pet shop – no monkeys for sale
Just guinea pigs, budgies, and blue breasted quail

Mum bought me a tortoise, but that was too slow
The ferret bit dad so it had to go
The python did nothing, just lay around hissing
The parrot could talk but something was missing

Weeks became months, but I never stopped hoping
Even knocked up a tree hut, it was my way of coping
Months became years and though I was resigned
My desire for a monkey never declined

Then watching parliament one night on TV
Their behaviour more puerile than a rogue chimpanzee
That moment brought closure and a satisfied grin
I finally had monkeys – we voted them in

© Copyright 2011 Ian Bland

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