Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “ Never “.

JVG was back again this week after the travails of the Community Cup last week (well done Rockdogs) but strangely there were no pictures. A more cynical person could think that this was a tad suspicious.

The poem is another trip back to the “neighbourhood”. Yep Two weeks in a row.

Ed Bates was back this week and played up a storm on the backing, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


“Mills to the headmaster’s office straight away”
The words all children dread echoed from the school PA

“I’m rooted” whimpered ‘Pig’ “this time I’m proper dead”
“Keep calm” whispered Lindy Dent “do exactly what I said”

Lindy was by far the smartest student in grade four
She’d gained a reputation for her knowledge of the law

Kids who found themselves in trouble, she’d advise them for a fee
Grade Two and up 6 spearmint leaves, Grade One and preps for free

Acquittal rate was staggering, a mammoth eighty five percent
Her clients were unanimous; they were spearmint leaves well spent

But ‘Pig’ was something else, his record longer than the Nile
She’d have to charge twelve jelly beans or it wasn’t worth her while

It was an interesting case and somewhat complicated
Given ‘Pig’ wasn’t there when the crime was perpetrated

It was alleged Ronnie Leech, from Grade One, was overheard
Calling his teacher “a piss ant, prick faced turd”

After three hours interrogation young Ronnie finally cracked
Said he was told “piss ant” was a compliment in fact

Claimed an older boy had coached him, it was ‘Pig’ Mills he confessed
Reckoned call your teacher ‘prick face’ and they’re bound to be impressed

And so “Pig’ Mills was summoned; had Lindy’s council been in vain?
The charge ‘Corrupting Minors’ carried six strokes of the cane

He could have owned up and apologised and shown a bit of class
But ‘Pig’ had to choose between his honour and his arse

The case was stacked against him; he could even be suspended
His only chance was following all that Lindy recommended

“I never said nothin’ sir, I promise that’s the truth
I never said nothin’, and to prove it I got proof”

‘Rabbit’, ‘Squirrel’, Bruno, were called to back his claim
Plus half a dozen others, and they all said the same

“It’s exactly as Mills told it sir, cross my heart and hope to die”
‘Squirrel’, unlike ‘Pig’, was never one to lie

Reluctantly, the headmaster, threw the charges out
‘Pig’ received the benefit of a very dubious doubt

Had he kept his gob shut he would have been alright
But ‘Pig’ being ‘Pig’ of course he couldn’t help but skite

“Fooling the headmaster” he laughed “s’ a piece of cake”
Though refusing to pay Lindy was his terminal mistake

“Sue me” he scoffed “you must think I’m pretty dim”
Overlooking all the dirt that Lindy had on him

He was summoned to the office and this time no reprieves
“Jelly bean?” grinned the headmaster “or perhaps some spearmint leaves?

I believe you never said nothin’ Mills, at least we agree on one thing
Which, by logic, is admission that you actually said some thing

Confused, ‘Pig’ broke down, confessed, thus avoiding a suspension
Treated instead to six of the best and a Saturday detention

Cross those who share your secrets and you’re vulnerable, be warned
Never scam a scammer; beware a lawyer scorned

No-one tried to rip off Lindy Dent from that day on
‘Pig’ ranted how the law was rigged and justice was a con

“Dry up, prick face” ‘Rabbit’ snapped “we’re sick of all your huffing
You know your trouble ‘Pig’, you never could say nothing”

© Copyright 2017 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to the songs on my album “Everything or Nothing

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