Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Northern Journeys“.


Bit of a rant this week. Can’t imagine what set it off…


No Ed this week ( I think he ducked for cover ), have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Northern Journeys

Turned the TV on last night, switched channels, back and forth
A media apocalypse, the whole country’s headed north

North to Windsor, as in England; not the suburb near Prahran
When it comes to the monarchy I’m not the biggest fan

A communications cold sore, and what’s worse, it was spreading
Everyone fixated on yet another royal wedding

The press in a frenzy, digging up the goss
Etiquette consultants, royal watchers spewing dross

Sycophantic toadies and we’re canvassing their views
Shallow, trifling drivel which is then passed off as news

So called journalists labelling the whole thing a ‘debacle’
It’s the only word the lazy pricks could find to rhyme with Markle

Of course her dress was gorgeous and Charlie’s speech was sweet
All your fawning subjects lined the route; even Fergie scammed a seat

So Meghan’s father couldn’t make it; why get so excited?
Think of poor Prince Harry, his dad was not invited

The guests, those noble stiffs: the paths of least resistance
It’s a miracle those wastrel toffs breathe without assistance

Ship them all to an island, it wouldn’t cause much trouble
The British average IQ would probably more than double

Dribbling, gormless, plum suckers, who can’t tie their own shoes
Their talents stretch as far as which knife and fork to use

The nobility’s dysfunctional; that’s probably what we like
Dish up a royal train wreck and watch the ratings spike

The royals are our Kardashians; everyone’s obsessed
Who’s the bigger knob, Phil the Dill or Kanye West?

You might ask, and rightly so, who am I to judge?
I’ll bite the head of anything that gives football the nudge

Bumped it down to 7 Mate, the arse end of TV
While the nuptials plodded on and on, all in full HD

Forced to watch the Shopping Channel for something stimulating
A bagless, vacuum cleaner was far more captivating

Meghan, I hope your special day was very pleasant
Email your address, I’ll send my TV as a present

Anyway, I’ve said my piece, time to shut my mouth
While we’re all looking north, the republic’s heading south

I better leave it there before they charge me with sedition
God save the Queen; there’s no hope for television

© Copyright 2018 Ian Bland


Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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