Bland On Bland – O

Photo By Jools Thatcher
Photo By Jools Thatcher

The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “ O “.

“O:” Jon has to be kidding. Some of these themes are getting a tad existential – I think we will have to have an intervention if he keeps going on this way.

On the upside though – for the first ime in months we have Ed on backing guitar. Thanks mate, it’s good to be back.

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Also have a listen to the tracks on the new EP “Once We Were Kings Of The World

Oh ………

“Oh ‘Pig’ you dickhead drop kick”
Snarled ‘Rabbit’ “God you’re dense”
Staring at the smoking hole
Punched through the backyard fence

“I didn’t think it, well, you know”
‘Pig’ struggled to explain
“You didn’t think” ‘Rabbit’ growled
“Cause that requires a brain”

“Pig” threw caution to the wind
Especially cracker season
One whiff of burning powder
Turned to ash all sense and reason

He’d nabbed a length of water pipe
To aid his act of daring
Rammed in a penny bunger
And a stainless steel ball bearing

It pierced the fence like sponge cake
At a thousand miles per hour
Wiped out the Cozza’s glass house
Scarcely losing any power

Next door at Mrs Palmer’s
Who was hanging out the clothes
It holed five pairs of Y-fronts
And three pairs of pantyhose

It destroyed the Wilson’s fountain
Sending Venus to the deck
Left the cherub headless
Water spurting from its neck

It burst into the Schneider’s
Who thankfully weren’t home
But it gelded poor old Falstaff
Their beloved garden gnome

Onto Old man Brewster’s shed
Trajectory on the rise
Picked off a portrait of the Queen
Right between the eyes

Then slammed into the weathercock
Which tumbled down distressed
North and South both headed East
The rooster headed West

Finally running out of puff
It fell near Mavis Meares
Dropped quietly in her fish pond
Where it lay for forty years

A siren in the distance
‘Pig’ knew he stood no chance
He had to make a choice
Run or soil his pants

He stood their like a veggie
Uncertain and afraid
The trickle down his leg
Showed decision had been made

He’d already been banned
From handling any crackers
Since he dropped one down Ray Smedley’s shorts
Near took off his knackers

If they caught him he was buggered
Dead – no ifs or buts
Ray Smedley may have lost his pride
It was ‘Pig’ who’d lose his nuts

‘Rabbit’ ‘Squirrel’ Bruno
They had no ideas at all
Luckily for ‘Pig’
Lindy Dent was on the ball

“Quickly ‘Pig” she barked
“Load up a second round”
“Fire it through the other fence”
“Out to the football ground”

“When the coppers get here”
“We’ll say it wasn’t you”
“The shot came from the oval”
“And the bullet passed straight through”

Sergeant Harry Hampson
Didn’t look much like a cop
A little slow and overweight
But had it all up top

No forensics then of course
But the science wasn’t hard
The way the wood had splintered
Proved both slugs came from the yard

But ‘Pig’ had learned his lesson
That wasn’t hard to tell
Not so much by what he said
Harry picked it by the smell

As long as nobody was hurt
Harry didn’t care
Didn’t much like garden gnomes
Or the Palmer’s underwear

A charge would mean more paperwork
This way, an easy fix
Besides it was five o’clock
The hotel shut at six

So cracker season ended
Without further risk to health
The day ‘Pig’ dodged a bullet
The one he fired himself

© Copyright 2011 Ian Bland

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