Bland On Bland – One More

Photo By Jools Thatcher
Photo By Jools Thatcher

The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “One More”. The war cry of the addictive personality – which, I suspect, embraces 99.9% of the populace.

Drugs, corn chips, beer, relationships, sudoku, Maltesers, episodes of Thomas the Tank Engine, gambling, pairs of shoes and of course tobacco.

The poem is inspired by the many years spent gainfully or otherwise at the late and still lamented Red Bluff Hotel, soon to be ‘one more’ block of flats.

Ed Bates is on guitar this week.

Play this poem directly in your browser! Just click the “play” button below:

And of course there’s …

One More

“Nicotine Gum – Total crap”
“Patches – A pile of shite”
Old Bert was off on one of his rants
And his world was black and white

“Hypnosis – Load of mumbo jumbo”
“No fruitcake screws with my head”
“Relaxation – Give me a break”
“I relax at the pub instead”

“Nasal sprays and medications?”
“You need guts, not a sedative”
“Acupuncture – stick that up your date”
“No-one’s turning me into a sieve”

“Snake oil salesman, every bloody one”
“You need backbone – you don’t need a prop”
“It’s worked for me – 100 percent”
“There’s only one way – and that’s stop”

“I’ve got a friend who’s never let me down”
“And the name of that friend is Will Power”
Bert sounded impressive – though a touch premature
He’d given up barely an hour”

His mates at the bar, well used to Bert’s ways
Retired outside for a fag
Bert followed them out for a breath of fresh air
“No harm in one little drag”

“You’re full of it Bert” His mate Kevin growled
“Given them up, what a joke”
“No” declared Bert “I’m holding the reins”
“Nothing wrong with one little smoke”

“Addiction’s a ruse to sell you the cure”
“A term made up by some shrink”
“Testy, testy – who’s getting testy”
“You bastards, just get me a drink”

“Hey ‘Frenchy’, come on son, you’re good at maths”
“Here’s a bit of multiplication”
“Two packs a day for 53 years”
“You know, just an approximation”

‘Frenchy’ scrawled down the edge of his form guide
In between sips of his pot
Took him a while but he nutted it out
Announcing with pride “A bloody lot”

“See, that’s my point, I’ve got to be careful”
“The shock could be fatal” reasoned Bert
“All those millions of fags haven’t killed me yet”
“One more nail in the coffin won’t hurt”

“I’ve proved I can do it – I’m a man of my word”
“I’m not going back, that’s for sure”
“So who wants a beer – don’t worry, I’m shouting”
“A smoke? —– Well, maybe one more”

© Copyright 2010 Ian Bland

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