Ian In England

Ian In England

The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method is “Other”

I am over in the UK at the moment and am phoning the poems in to the show.

No rest for the wicked eh?



Music incites fervent passions – it can thrill and infuriate
Less likely to meet with ambivalence as greeted by love or by hate

Perhaps it’s the delicate egos – combined with burning ambitions
But apart from the critics most of the barbs seem to come from other musicians

When asked his opinion on the young Bob Dylan, Ewan MacColl did not shrivel
“Only an audience nourished on pap could have fallen for such tenth rate drivel”

Tchaikovsky claimed Brahms was ‘Pretentious’ and Handel ‘Only fourth rate’
Mel C according to Jonathon Ross ‘Looks like a single mum from a council estate’

According to Prince, humble as always – with a keen sense of the aesthetic
“Michael Jackson titled his album ‘Bad’ cause there wasn’t enough room for pathetic”

“Axl Rose went bald” claimed Kelly Osbourne “Cause his head’s shoved too far up his arse”
Sandra Bernhard dreamt Madonna went shopping at Tiffany’s – trying to buy some class

“George Michael’s a wimp in disguise” thinks Keith Richards and referring to Elton John
“His writing is limited” according to Keef “Limited to songs for dead blondes”

Elton responded ‘The Stones’ would improve if they chucked Keef out of the band
“Olivia Newton John” Minnie Ripperton observed was “The blonde singing the bland”

When asked years ago for her thoughts on Madonna, Bette Midler laid her cards on the table
“The only thing Madonna will ever do like a virgin is perhaps give birth in a stable”

Barry Manilow sang “I can’t smile, I can’t sing” – and perhaps it’s serendipity
But those lyrics, according to Mark Lamarr, mirrored Gerri Halliwell’s CV

When Peter Andre made his return to the stage, Lamarr voiced his opinion on it
“Peter Andre” he stated “The most unwelcome comeback since Jimi Hendrix’s vomit”

“Bob Dylan’s a tuneless, wrinkled scrotum” that’s Mark Lamarr again
“Wagner’s music is better than it sounds” faint praise indeed from Mark Twain

“Pete Doherty is grubbier” says Heat Magazine “Than an overflowing wheelie bin”
When asked what’s it’s like to be Ozzy Osbourne he said “Could be worse – I could be Sting”

Noel Gallagher exhibiting brotherly love on Liam’s run in with the fuzz
“He only has two problems” according to Noel – “Everything he says and everything he does”

“Before Jenifer Lopez I’d share the stage with a pig” a complimentary Mariah Carey
Howard Rosenberg sneered “If I had a hammer I’d use it on Peter, Paul and Mary”

“She’s like somebody’s mum who’s had too many drinks” Nick Lowe on meeting Grace Slick
‘The Kinks’ Dave Davies on drummer Mick Avory “He’d sound better playing drums with his dick”

Oscar Levant requested George Gershwin “Play us a medley of your hit”
Paul Weller, when asked to duet with James Blunt, said he’d rather eat his own shit

“Christina Aguilera’s a spoiled rotten arsehole” I wonder what Fred Durst really thinks
“Britney Spears sucks” to quote Eminem – “Beyonce is a bitch” to quote Pink

The last word should go to someone with style – ‘Duke Ellington’ at once comes to mind
“There’s only two types of music” he wisely observed – there’s the good and there’s the other kind”

© Copyright 2009 Ian Bland

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