Bland On Bland – Packing

Photo By Jools Thatcher
Photo By Jools Thatcher

The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “ Packing “.

Good afternoon John,

Sadly I’ve left Ireland’s fair shores, kicking and screaming I might add, but not before catching up with Mundy, who was a guest on the show a few months ago, for a couple of mandatory pints of the black stuff and he sends his regards to all .

Caught the ferry back east to Wales where I’m currently running round Snowdonia in a town that’s name is totally unpronounceable – extremely beautiful though.

Packing! What a theme – it’s all I’ve been doing since April – packing, unpacking, working out how the shower operates and packing again. Finally a subject I actually know something about!

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Also have a listen to the tracks on the new EP “Once We Were Kings Of The World


Packing is itself an art
One seasoned travellers learn by heart

Like most skills it has its rules
Those who pay no heed are fools

Too much, too little, a tiny slip
Can ruin any well planned trip

Make a list and then proceed
No less, no more than you need

A shoddy pack courts disaster
I should know, I am the master

In case my knowledge can assist
With you I’ll gladly share my list

Hiking boots, shoes and slippers
Sandals, suncream, nail clippers

Ten t-shirts, five white, five black
Gaiters, thermals, anorak

Gloves, a scarf, a hunting jacket
Bunion pads, just one packet

Sleeping bag, a pillow, quilt
For Edinburgh, I’ve packed a kilt

Singlets, overcoat and blazer
Three pairs of jeans, a comb, a razor

An Andy cap, a wide brimmed hat
A paisley tie, a gold cravat
A frisbee and a cricket bat

Bathers, towel, three pairs of shorts
One, no two, athletic supports

A no-iron polyester shirt
Just for fun a poplin skirt

Phrase books, French and Portuguese
Assortment of toiletries

Conditioner and shampoo
Headache tablets, cold and flu
Toothbrush, toothpaste, floss as well
Shower cap, hair brush, jar of gel
Styling mousse, what the hell

Deodorant, tampons, talc, hair ties
Eye drops, mouthwash, fungicide

Throat lozenges with anaesthetic
Laxatives, a diuretic

Credit cards and travellers cheques
Car licence, reading specs

Lonely planet, compass, maps
Tissues, ear plugs, luggage straps

Camera, mobile phone and charger
For the flight a foot massager

Crossword puzzles, GPS
Miniature magnetic chess
Have I brought the lap top? Yes!

Books for reading on the plane
Sudoko, while I’m on the train

Hydrating lotion, sun visor
Anxiety pills, a nebuliser

Nine pairs of jocks
The same of socks
A belt and braces
Spare pair of laces

A vest, a fleece
Two apiece
A bumbag with a quick release

MP3’s and CD’s
A guide to all the B&B’s
Antacid and vitamin c

Vomit bags, baggage tags
Two pens, a pad and music mags

Wallet, watch, sun glasses
Compression socks and boarding passes

Barley sugar, a chocolate bar
And finally my old guitar

Checked, correct
Stacked, then packed
Shrinkwrapped and strapped
Chained, constrained
Completely contained
Fully enclosed, nothing exposed
Fastened, tied
Three locks per side
Stickered, labelled
Zips dis-abled
Dusted and done, ready to go
La fin! Lopussa! Slutten! Finito!

The passports?

Oh bugger!

What’s the combination again?
Oh, just cut it open!
Go on!
No they’re past the food processor
No, to the left of the dressing gowns
No, no, below the wet suits
Badminton set? You’re getting closer
The kitchen sink? I think you’ve gone too far!

© Copyright 2011 Ian Bland

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