Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Pies“.

Well, that’s it for another year, the footy is over. Thanks to everyone who said hi out at the Caravan Club on Thursday night.

This weeks poem was the funniest reading I have ever done, honestly, I have no idea what Ed was doing but it broke me up. I left all just as it went to air.

Ed Bates provided the guitar backing, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


Pies? Jon, Are you serious? Pies, that’s the theme?
You won’t let us mention football let alone a team

Don’t hide behind a Four’n’Twenty; no-one’s going to buy it
Such a transparent reference; you mean footy, don’t deny it

Trying to stir things up a bit? You failed if that’s your plan
Have you no consideration? Think of Nathan, think of Dan

They’re gutted Jon, gutted; can’t you feel their pain?
They’re trying to forget the loss and you drag it up again

Well I won’t be party to it; it’s insensitive and rude
My topic will be pies, as in the pies some class as food

I don’t like pies of any kind be they savoury or sweet
All gravy and gristle; they have a hide to call them meat

Ingredients so miserly, thin and finely ground
They could bake a hundred pies and have the steer still running round

So much shortening in each, one bite could stop your heart
Enough salt to have your blood pressure flying off the chart

The pastry, if you call it that, a sheet of solid lard
Just looking at a pie makes my arteries go hard

God knows what they’re made of; you could be eating horse
As for nutritional value, the little there comes from the sauce

Regardless of the health risks, trying to eat one’s a palaver
The pastry always rips, fills your mouth with molten lava

The balance cascades down your shirt and settles on your lap
The dog bounds up and licks your crutch; you look and feel like crap

In seconds you have heartburn, even meds don’t bring relief
Lumps of grease and sinew fill the gaps between your teeth

Still, they’re perfect for the football; for the kids, the dads, the mums
Especially the cheer squads; they can chew them with their gums

Dan Warner, james Neagle, Fred Negro, Andy Reid
Nathan Farrelley, Wes Harrington ; how their hearts must bleed

I shall never speak these words again; be I threatened with a gun
For the sake of those I mentioned, I’m sad the p-p-pi, sad the pi-pi-pi
Sad the pi-pi-pi, I’m sorry your team got done

© Copyright 2018 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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