Bland On Bland – Postal

Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Postal“.

Jon, obviously following on from last week’s theme, decided on Postal as the theme this week. A great theme, allowing a few observations on one of life’s great annoyances. OK it’s not up there with certain orange coloured world leaders… but like him, it’s there week after week and never goes away.

Also if you get a chance have a listen to Dan Warner’s version of “The Letter” it’s a ripper

Ed Bates provided the guitar backing this week, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


I found it in my letter box half eaten by a snail
In total disregard to the sign “No Junk Mail”

A four page, high gloss, colour publication
A beaming smile leapt from this naff communication

Shameless self promotion from my local MP
There was more shit on those pages than a cow with dysentery

An imaginative list of all he had achieved
Solved all the world’s problems if that junk is to be believed

On the back page, at the bottom, a number you could call
Any issues or concerns; anything at all

So I rang the next day; of course the boss was out
His assistant enquired as to what my issue was about

“Junk mail” I informed him; they just ignore the sign
Letter boxes overflowing: every street, including mine

Said he understood my problem; spoke as though he meant it
I said I’m glad you understand – you’re the pricks who sent it

“That’s not junk mail” he protested, its important information
Full of vital statistics on the state of our great nation

“Vital statistics? Do you believe the trash you’re talking?
You make Bruce McAvaney sound like Stephen Hawking

The best you can throw up is two pretty coloured charts?
Get more accurate figures rolling dice or throwing darts”

Despite his guarantees I never heard back from his boss
Found my snail dead next day; I think it choked on all that dross

If you know a snail that needs a job, the hours are long but steady
Must be toilet trained; there’s enough shit in there already

© Copyright 2017 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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