Bland On Bland – Psycho

The theme Jon chose for the JVG Radio Method today was “PSYCHO”.

Click to play today’s piece … [audio:JVG_Poem20070805.mp3]

Jon and I discussed eccentricity small “p” psycho versus upper case “P” Psycho, how apropos that Ed Bates had the same name as the protagonist in Hitchcocks “Psycho” and how much it costs (in small unmarked bills) to be sprung from the local psychiatric institute.

Ed (no sharp objects) Bates accompanied on slide guitar.


a psycho crept into our house last week
snuck in while i wasn’t looking
some friends came over, a little na‹ve
they let him in while i was busily cooking

i could tell straight away, he was dodgy
though i can’t claim i knew him that well
i’d seen him around, but never got close
truth is, i couldn’t stand the smell

he had all the allure of a proctologist’s finger
the wit of a funeral director
but neither the cunning of a “jack the ripper”
or charisma of a “hannibal lector”

narcissistic, detached like most psychopaths
he spoke with no trace of emotion
our guests sat transfixed, unaware of the danger
with a look, not of fear but devotion

i escaped to the kitchen but dinner was ruined
his mere presence had the custard in clots
my prime, aged, rare rump had turned into chump
the linguine tied itself into knots

after three hours of torture i was right at my limit
afraid for my own mental health
if i’d had a gun i’d have wasted the bastard
or worse turned the gun on myself

now close to panic, i struggled to breathe
that psycho had his hands round my throat
the telephone rang and i used the distraction
to jump up and grab the remote

my guests were aghast, they wrestled me down
i barely had time to recover
their efforts in vain, the button was pushed
and i’d brought an end to big brother

our perverse fascination with other people’s lives
both critics and fans have their theories
speculation abounds, as yet unconfirmed
that this has been the last series

but don’t worry bro, there’s still hope for the show
just bring it to john howard’s attention
if the big brother retreat’s in a marginal seat
he’ll authorise federal intervention

© Copyright 2007 Ian Bland

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