Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Russia“.

Always love an excuse to head to the neighbourhood.

Comrade JVG seemed to have been inspired this week..


Comrade Ed Bates provided the guitar backing, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Russia

“What, another assignment?” barked ‘Pig ‘Mills’ in a huff
“We did one about a year ago, fair crack, enough’s enough”

Resistance though, was futile; a fight he knew he’d lose
An essay on a country – at least you got to chose

‘Pig’ chose Syldavia, though it wasn’t on the list
Discovered it in a TinTin comic; hadn’t twigged it didn’t exist

Forced to make another choice, ‘Pig’ was not impressed
In the end he plumbed for Russia; it was bigger than the rest

He needed information, but where was he to look?
The library? Are you joking, there’s no way he’d read a book

No Google in the sixties; TV was still a pup
All the paper said was the Cold War was heating up

His mother couldn’t help, which only left his Dad
‘Pig’ rarely had a good idea but this time it was mad

His father was an idiot who bordered on demented
Anything he didn’t know he unashamedly invented

Since he knew one-fifth of bugger all he invented quite a lot
His facts wouldn’t fill the head of a pin; the rest was a load of rot

What’s worse, he believed it or fooled himself perhaps
He used bullshit like putty, to plug up all the gaps

‘Pig’ treated it as gospel, with the odd postulation
Was feeling quietly confident as he began his presentation

“Russia, once known as Prussia began at the North Sea
When an earthquake pushed it east, they let Poland keep the ‘P’

The three Moscowteers and their sidekick, a fruitcake named Rasputin
Pissed off some bloke called Starling and got knocked off in the shootin’

Starling helped his comrades lose weight in the Ukraine
Then set up KGB, the world’s very first fast food chain

Randolph Nureyev, the astronaut, took a rocket up for a test
But it bounced on re-entry and he deflected to the west”

“It’s Rudolf” cried Mr Hopkins “not Randolph Nureyev, you goose”
“Pig’s arse” scoffed ‘Pig’ “everyone knows, Rudolf is a moose”

“Rudolf’s a reindeer” Hopkins responded, already tired of ‘Pig’s’ antics
“Moose, reindeer, same bloody thing”; ‘Pig’ didn’t care for semantics

“Rudolf Nureyev” Hopkins continued “is a dancer with the ballet”
“So he dances” ‘Pig’ sneered “Randolph flies rockets and Rudolf flies with a sleigh”

As Mr Hopkins rose to his feet, he turned bright red in the face
“It wasn’t Rudolf or Randolph; Yuri Gagarin, he was the first man in space”

“You look a bit flushed” ‘Pig’ smiled smugly “you oughta stay off the grog
I’ve got you now, I watch Disneyland; the first man in space was a dog”

Mr Hopkins rewarded ‘Pig’ with a boot up his posterior
Said he’d like to send him to a Gulag in Siberia

Instead, he was sent to the principal’s office and threatened with suspension
No-one saw him all weekend: he copped a two-day detention

The results were handed out Monday; ‘Pig’ received his last
To everyone’s surprise, he yelled “Bugger me, I nearly passed”

I told you my old man was cluey; his brain is like a machine
I scored a forty-seven; but what does AK mean?

© Copyright 2019 Ian Bland


Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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