Bland On Bland – Sailor

Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Sailor“.

First show back for the year. Hope you all had a great holiday break. JVG seemed to have had a relaxing time. Dan did a great job with the “Ebb Tide Show” and thanks to Jed for popping one of my tracks on his new years eve outing and, Greg and  I had a great time playing at the Newstead Festival

OK. Back into it, I decided for the first one for 2018 I had to start in the “neighbourhood”

Let me know what you think

Always great to have Ed Bate providing the guitar backing, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


Three children, in 1865, sailed out into the bay
Their destination England, which they thought would take a day

They’d barely left the Yarra when hunger drove them back to shore
Now the Historical Society would relive their quest once more

They would re-enact the voyage to mark the hundredth year
Followed by a banquet in their honour on the pier

They needed three kids who could sail, with one to take command
To everyone’s amazement ‘Pig’ Mills put up his hand

It wasn’t for the glory or the love of wind and tide
It was the promise of a banquet that awoke his civic pride

He’d never been aboard a boat, he didn’t have a clue
That didn’t worry ‘Pig’ with two sailors in the crew

He could give the orders while the others did his beckoning
Though what orders he should give was well outside his reckoning

“You, a sailor?” scoffed ‘Rabbit’ as they all began to laugh
“The only yacht you’ve sailed was plastic in the bath

You can’t tell port from starboard and you’re the bloody skipper?
I seem to recall you getting seasick watching ‘Flipper’”

“It’s just a few hundred yards” barked ‘Pig’ “how hard can it be?
It’s like sitting on the porch except instead of lawn there’s sea”

The mayor subtly suggested it was time their yacht got going
“I intend to” snapped ‘Pig’ “once the bloody wind stops blowing

Those waves are one foot high; do you want to make us ill?
We’ll just wait a little longer till the water’s flat and still?

Besides, these seats have numbed my arse” ‘Pig’ flashed his usual frown
“And this tub’s as good as rooted, it keeps bobbing up and down”

Still, ‘Pig’ looked quite resplendent in blazer, tie and boater
Though he felt a little miffed when he couldn’t find the motor

“What, those sheet things?” he exclaimed, utterly dismayed
“I thought their only purpose was to give a bit of shade

Steer towards the pier” he yelled”. The crew just sat and grinned
‘Pig’ didn’t understand you can’t sail straight into the wind

“We have to tack” they told him “or we’ll wash up on the beach
“You will do as I say” screamed ‘Pig’ or cop a hundred lashes each

“Come about” they begged him “otherwise we’re sunk”
“Come about what you fools? You’ve come to sail this junk”

A good captain knows when to take counsel from their crew
Those choosing not to listen often meet their Waterloo

The crew was forced to tack when their warnings were ignored
The boom smacked ‘Pig’ right in the gob and knocked him overboard

He woke up in the hospital, the doctors wired his jaw
Not the banquet he’d been dreaming of; mashed pumpkin through a straw

All his friends came to visit since he was stuck in there all week
“You’re not a bad bloke” ‘Rabbit’ smiled “at least when you can’t speak”

Even Lindy seemed to mellow as she helped with his inhaler
“You’ve been called lot of things ‘Pig’ but no-one’s ever called you sailor”

© Copyright 2018 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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