Bland On Bland -Sand

Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Sand“.

Only a couple of weeks since we were in the neighbourhood, but again this was one of those topics that seemed to cry out for their take on the world. And were else would I get to use the wonderful word “gibberations”

Ed Bates provided the guitar backing, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


“You know what I hate?” moaned ‘Pig’; not that anyone cared less
“That’ll take a while” scoffed ‘Rabbit “but let me have a guess

School, homework, sport, running, walking, sharing, thinking
Any exertion that doesn’t involve either eating or drinking?”

“Stick it arse fart” ‘Pig’ fired back, shove your gibberations
Don’t deprive the others of my observant observations

What I really, really, really hate, that even dickheads understand
Is when you come back from the beach with your bathers full of sand

You can never get it out; stays in there for weeks
Hides behind your bits and gets wedged between your cheeks

Little grains of sand in every crease and groove
You feel like a pepper grinder every time you move

It’s bad enough walking home with your shirt and bathers damp
My quoit’s like an open wound by the time I’ve climbed the ramp

It gets in everywhere; your hair, your sandwiches, your towel
Between your toes, up your nose, even crawls into your bowel”

‘Rabbit’ pointed out the problem wasn’t hard to ease
“It’s sand ‘Pig’, sand; a bit of silt, not some disease

There’s this concept known as ‘bathing’ and it doesn’t hurt a bit
It’s proved spectacularly effective at removing sand and grit”

“Bathing?” huffed ‘Pig’ “Bugger off, don’t make me laugh
I’ve just been swimming in water, why would I take a bath?

You idiots are scrawny, collect a mere handful each
Look at me, I’m healthy; my arse swallows half the beach”

“Well what’s your answer Einstien? Have another swim?”
‘Rabbit’ hoped to shut ‘Pig’ up by throwing it at him

Straight into ‘Pig’s’ trap who’d hoped to have the roles reversed
Because he never asked a question unless he had the answer first

“I’d hate to be a bore” ‘Pig’ smiled “but I will if you insist
My cure for sandy bathers you’ll be unable to resist

The answer is concrete, from Queenscliff in the south
Through Frankston, Mordialloc, right to the Yarra’s mouth

Pure natural concrete; organic, one hundred percent
We’ve got the sand, rocks and water, all we need is the cement

No more sandy beaches, peppering your back
Glued to your Gaytime or nestled up your crack

That’s it, the perfect beach and it’s all made of mortar
I mean, it will be perfect once we get rid of all the water

Well, what do you reckon? Is that genius or what?”
“You’re many things” sighed ‘Rabbit’ but a genius you’re not”

Lindy Dent suggested ‘Pig’ should pray for absolution
‘Squirrel’ offered up a more practical solution

Solved the problem of ‘Pig’s’ arse filling up with sand
From that day on they used it for an umbrella stand

Suited ‘Pig’ to lie face down motionless all day
While he plotted how to drain all the water from the bay

© Copyright 2019 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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