Bland On Bland – School

Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “SCHOOL“.

Our first week back for 2019 and JVG decided that like the rest of Australia “School” is the topic everyone is talking about, even if you haven’t got kids, they are clogging up the public transport again.

We discussed how quick the break went and how well Dan did with “Ebb Tide ( I hope you listened to it over the break)

Anyway, let the year begin…

No Ed this week, he was otherwise occupied.

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


‘Pig’ really hated art; found it such a bore
Holding up a pencil while you think of what to draw

Total waste of energy all that colouring in
Parents tape it to the fridge then chuck it in the bin

Their teacher, Mrs Ralton, had oil paint in her veins
She tired of endless sketches of ponies, kites and planes

Hoped to stir imagination by giving them a topic
Challenge their perceptions; think more deeply, less myopic

‘Pig’ near choked on his rubber when the topic was unfurled
‘Symbiotic relationships within the natural world’

“Symbi-whatic?” snickered ‘Pig’ to the others in the class
Mrs Ralton’s finally lost it; disappeared up her own arse”

Still his classmates seemed enthused and keen to make a start
Leaving ‘Pig’ to dream of fondue; that was his idea of art

Friday, four weeks later; the day the work was due
As Mrs Ralton clapped her hands anticipation grew

A challenging concept for such young imaginations
The work that lay before her exceeded expectations

Lindy Fitzgerald ; her paintings never drab
A sea anemone and a Decorator Crab

‘Squirrel’s’ diorama had taken several hours
A bee carved from honeycomb pollinating cardboard flowers

‘Rabbit’s’ sketch involved neither honeycomb nor nectar
A developer, some cash and a building inspector

With a nine, Lindy Dent, received the highest marks
A cleaner fish hoovering parasites from sharks

The shark made from a stocking bound with model aircraft dope
The cleaner fish moulded from, what else, a bar of soap

When Mrs Ralton came to ‘Pig’ she had to look again
He had ink around his mouth from chewing on his pen

On the desk an empty pad; every page was blank
Mrs Ralton barked “Is this some kind of prank?”

“Me?” bellowed ‘Pig’ feigning travesty and rage
Scrawled his name at the bottom and handed her the page

“But its blank” cried the teacher though ‘Pig’ earnestly protested
“That masterpiece” he bristled “is the homework you requested”

“It’s obvious” he chortled as he leaned back in his chair
“Its two albino fleas mating on a polar bear”

Mrs Ralton was not one to be taken for a fool
She leered at ‘Pig’ and snarled “I’ll see you after school”

On the bell the others packed up and waited by the gate
Leaving ‘Pig’ with Mrs Ralton, soon to learn his fate

He emerged looking cheerful; euphoric, almost zen
Triumphantly announced “I scored a perfect ten”

“Bugger off” scoffed ‘Rabbit’, convinced that ‘Pig’ was bluffing
“How could you score ten, your pad was full of nothing

I reckon he’s in shock ‘cause he probably copped the cane”
“Well” huffed ‘Pig’ indignantly, allow me to explain

I got a zero for effort; a duck for composition
Nothing for execution or for definition

Texture and form; another big, fat, nought
Creativity and concept and artistic thought

Bugger all for presentation; originality the same
But I scored a bonus ‘one’ ‘cause I correctly spelled me name”

“Hang on” quizzed ‘Rabbit’ “add that up again
A one plus a nought does not make a ten”

“Dur” grumbled ‘Pig’ with an air of condescension
But it does when you add on the nine hours of detention”

© Copyright 2019 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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