Ian In England

Ian In England

The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method is “Slow”

I am over in the UK at the moment and am phoning the poems in to the show.

No rest for the wicked eh?



Meet a bloke in a pub – the ‘British Protection’
In the guts of Manchester City
I asked his advice on how to get to Newcastle
I took his advice mores’ the pity

‘On-Tyne’ ‘Under-Lyme’ Monmouth or Shropshire?
He certainly knew his ‘Newcastles’
Fast or the slow route? Direct or the scenic?
“The route” I replied “With least hassles”

Perhaps it was the twelve pints of Robinson’s ‘Old Tom’
That impaired our communication
His ‘Manchurian’ accent or my ‘Antipode an’ drawl
Something got lost in translation

‘Left turn on the A5145’
That was simple enough
‘Now turn right onto the A34
These Pommy roads aren’t that tough!
Quickly into the left lane — SORRY!
Onto the M56
Cross four lanes of stationary traffic
Whoa! Hand me a crucifix!
‘Look for Junction 15 – The M61’
Bugger, it’s sating to rain
Here it comes – get across – bloody truck – there it goes!
We’ll just have to go round again
Now get in the left lane – No the near left, not the far left!
Exit at the next overpass
Into the right lanes – Now back to the left
Whoa! There’s a lorry right up my arse!
Okay – we’re on the M6 – Well it started with M
How come we’re travelling like snails?
We stick on this route for two or three hours
Hang on! The sign says “To Wales”
What do you mean “I thought you’d gone wrong?”
Why didn’t you open your mouth?
Moron – I know what I told you – Okay?
M6 ‘North’ not the M6 ‘South’!
You’re the navigator dickhead!
I’m concentrating on driving – Alright?
I’ve got a semi in front and one on my tail
And one to my left and my right!
If I cut across here – SORRY! Dart in front of this truck – SORRY!
What am I saying SORRY FOR?
No one else on the road gives a ——

That’s enough! I took the next exit
So what if it doubles the mileage
I spent the next hour trapped behind a tractor
Towing bales of over ripe silage

The half hour stuck behind a herd of sheep
Who cares! The views are divine
I’d rather be stuck up a sheep’s arse
Than have a semi a meter off mine!

I’d much rather weave down a slow road
Where the speed limit’s forty K’s less
Than barrel along on a motorway
The time saved is not worth the stress

When you travel with no expectations
Early’s no different to late
Like Guinness compared to a Lager
It pours slower – but its well worth the wait!

© Copyright 2009 Ian Bland

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