stringThe theme for this week’s  JVG Radio Method is “STRING”.  Hooray. I have changed enough of these in my life, so this week should have been easy. It wasn’t.

Click here to listen to today’s poem [audio:JVG_Poem20090307.mp3]

Ed Bates is in his usual chair playing slide and this week he put in a stellar performance.  I think the topic inspired him as well.


“I can’t meet girls?” “Pig” Mills lamented as he belched and let rip a fart
“Just a suggestion?” smirked “Rabbit” McGorry “Lose the finger up your nose for a start”

All jokes aside, this was serious business that few past their teens understand
After hours of brainstorming “Squirrel” Tyrrell leapt up and cried “I know – let’s form a band”

“Girls throw their knickers at “Status Quo” – No-one will care we can’t play”
“All we need is a name – some kind of insect – and bingo we’re on our way”

Clements Music, Russell Street, Saturday morning – 9am on the dot
“Pre-loved guitars” “Pig” didn’t mince words “Electric – show us all you’ve got”

The twenty eight dollars from paper rounds narrowed it down to just – two
A big black Barklay dripping with chrome and an Eko in powder puff blue

They quickly debated the pros and the cons before handing over their riches
A unanimous decision – the mean looking Barklay – chosen cause it had more switches

They judged it by colour not by the sound – they weren’t too concerned with such things
After all, none of them could play a note – and besides, it didn’t have strings

“Pig” as always tried to impress insisting they plug it in anyway
He tapped the pick-ups with his Dick Tracey pencil – reckoned it sounded okay

“Squirrel” phoned his cousin Charlene to find out which strings they should get
They took her advice, well she ought to know – after all, she played clarinet

But the last of their dosh went on hair gel and the strings cost more than they’d planned
“Pig” rang Clements, they hung up in his ear when he asked if they came second hand

“Rabbit’s” old man coughed up for the strings – in exchange they washed his car
But it took “Spanner” Chaplee’s technical skills to attach them to the wammy bar

They had no amp, but according to “Spanner” that didn’t matter a damn
With cutters and solder he hard wired a lead to the Mill’s new stereogram

With his sister’s fake nails for a plectrum, “Pig” gave the sucker a hit
Instead of the roar they expected, what came out sounded like ———

Terrible, rubbish, worse than awful – the insipid tinkle it made
Sounded like a plastic ukulele plugged into a hearing aid

They realised, as one, their plan to pull chicks, from the outset was terminally flawed
The band “Pig” had christened “The Earwigs” broke up without playing a chord

Still it wasn’t a total waste of money, their purchase still proved some worth
“Pig” discovered each of the pick-ups was the size of a small pack of Turf

Girls talked to him – long enough to bot smokes, the guitar helped him smuggle to school
“I might be an idiot” “Pig” proclaimed proudly “But no-one can call me a fool”

“Don’t sell yourself short” “Rabbit” responded, finding “Pig’s” self assessment perverse
“No-one’s ever called you idiot or fool – you dickhead, they call you much worse”

Ironically that old Barklay guitar was actually an extremely good deal
But the strings were meant for a Spanish guitar – nylon when they should have bought steel

Sadly disappointment awaits the naive, when their hopes and their talents are mismatched
Alas, some ideas are too good to be true – when they come with no strings attached

© Copyright 2009 Ian Bland

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