Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Sweet“.

Another trip to the “neighbourhood” this week. Always fun…

Ed Bates provided the guitar backing, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


“C’mon, where’s my sweets mum?” ‘Pig’ Mills, as usual, curt
“I’ve had enough main course how bout serving up dessert”

“I told you” barked his mother “when your dad’s back from the shops
And there’s no dessert for you till you eat all your Coco Pops”

“But I’ve had five bowls of Fruit Loops mum” ‘Pig’ near starving wailed
“Red, yellow, green and blue – that’s all the fruit groups nailed

Well how bout a cordial, my throat’s as dry as mortar”
“No” snapped his mother “not unless you add some water”

“But I’ve already told you mum, it waters down the taste
You’re supposed to drink it straight or it’s a total bloody waste”

“Now, now ‘Pig’” mum cooed “you know what the doctor said
You have to watch your diet; so have some coke instead

Here you go, help yourself, but no more than a litre
You can always add some sugar if you need to make it sweeter”

We’ve run out remember” ‘Pig’ snarled “that’s why dad went down the street
I had to scoff a jar of jam because there’s nothing else to eat

Not even icing sugar; I spread that on my toast
The entire jar of honey you used to baste the roast

It’s a staple mum, like ice cream, lemonade and lard
You’re in charge of shopping, it couldn’t be that hard”

“All those sweets” sighed his mum “it’s vegetables you need
Just try some candied cauliflower or my chocolate coated Swede”

“Fergin vegetables” ‘Pig’ winced “where’s the energy in those?
I’ll have to settle for a bowl of Golden Syrup I suppose”

“Suck some saccharin” cried mum “or put cocoa on your Weeties
But make sure you wash your hands don’t want you catching diabetes

I wish he’d eat more sensibly but I can’t force him to do it
He used to like such tasty things like Cheese and Molasses Suet

He’s hardly touched the clotted cream, of course it’s always mother’s fault
I should serve him up more healthy meals – now where’s that bag of salt?”

Perhaps deep fried pork with treacle sauce or Nutella and tripe fricassee?
Caramelised giblet and marshmallow pie – damn I’ve run out of MSG”

© Copyright 2017 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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