Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Theft“.

This weeks topic sent me straight to the “neighbourhood”.

One of those weeks where the whole thing unrolled in my mind in a flash.


Ed Bates provided the guitar backing, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Theft

‘Pig’ lost his best friend when ‘Jaws’ his goldfish died
The only fish he’d ever known that didn’t come deep fried

His soul mate and confidant; he viewed ‘Jaws’ as his twin
An intellectual equal, give or take a pectoral fin

‘Pig’ could rant for hours and ‘Jaws’ would listen to his drivel
Never interrupted and was always calm and civil

His sudden, sad demise left a raw and gaping hole
‘Pig’ realised this was hunger so he had a sausage roll

“Ah well, live goes on” he sighed and tucked into a pie
Which ‘Rabbit’ found insensitive with the body not yet dry

“How ‘bout a funeral ‘Pig’? C’mon you owe him that”
‘Pig’ tossed ‘Jaws’ in an Esky then fed him to a cat

“That’s the service over, ’Jaws’ would hate to see me fret”
‘Pig’ decided then and there he had to find another pet

Loyalty and devotion made ‘Jaws’ hard to eclipse
But ‘Pig’ didn’t want another fish unless it came with chips

Barely one week later, on a Sunday afternoon
‘Pig’ arrived home early and went straight into his room

“That’s strange” thought Mrs Mills, perhaps he has a chill
He always heads straight to the fridge, even when he’s ill

Are you alright?” she quizzed “you’re home early from the park”
In reply, came a whimper followed by a frenzied bark

“You sound dreadful” cried his mother “I’ll get onto Doctor Miller”
“Don’t worry mum” snarled ‘Pig’ “it’s just my new dog ‘Killer’

A pure bred Aussie Terrier; he’s a fighter, I can tell
I reckon if I asked him he’d take on the hounds of hell”

“A dog?” snapped Mrs Mills “you could have asked, I am your mother
A goldfish is one thing but a vicious dog’s another

Hang on, this little tyke is Killer? Oh ‘Pig’ you’ve lost an oar
The poor thing’s scared to death, look – it’s piddled on the floor

Well where did ‘Killer’ come from and how much did you pay?”
“He didn’t cost a thing mum, no-one owns him, he’s a stray”

“A stray?” quizzed his mother “so you got him from the pound?”
“No a stray” countered ‘Pig’ “as in wandering around”

“But look, he has a collar” His mum was a hard one to convince
It gives a telephone number and says his name is ‘Prince’

Where exactly did you find him? None of this makes sense”
“I told you mum, just wandering – inside the Calthorpe’s fence”

Mrs Mills drew breath and sighed “Let me get this straight
You took someone else’s dog after sneaking through their gate?

You can’t go running round taking other people’s stuff
It’s stealing ‘Pig’ stealing. You know that well enough”

“It wasn’t stealing” ‘Pig’ replied “don’t treat me like a fool
I learneded it in history from Mr Cook last week at school

It’s called Terrier Annulus; I’ll attempt to give you the gist
It means those who owned it couldn’t have on account of they didn’t exist”

“But they did exist and they do exist” Mrs Mills tried to explain
“Finders keepers” ‘Pig’ held firm “it’s done, they’ve got no claim”

I’ll say this once” his mother snapped “return the dog and fast”
“But mum, I’ve had him five hours. Why drag up the past?”

“I’ll tell you why, so listen well” his mother gently stressed
You can’t secure the future till the past is laid to rest

Some say history writes itself; perhaps, but then again
How history is recorded depends on whose hand holds the pen

Some chose to whitewash history; don’t make the same mistake”
“Alright” moaned ‘Pig’ the dog goes back. Reckon I could get a snake?”

“No snakes or any reptiles; no snails, no slugs, no frogs
And for God’s sake ‘Pig’ stay away from other people’s dogs

© Copyright 2019 Ian Bland


Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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