Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Time in the first line“.

Oh dear, after a few good weeks, JVG is reverting type. “Time in the first line” what the hell are you supposed to do with that as a theme. It was a great show. I cant remember when we have had some many people calling in.

Lucky for me Jules Vines from 3MDR was in the building and drew short straw on the phone duties.

Anyway, when in doubt head to the neighbourhood… (it will make a lot of you quite happy)


Ed Bates provided the guitar backing, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Time in the first line

“You arseholes, it’s 4am” ‘Pig’ Mills was not impressed
“Now bugger off you cockheads and let me get some rest

Tapping on the window, a kid could die of shock
You’ll wake my mum and dad, can’t you read a clock?”

“Calm down” whispered ‘Squirrel’ “this was your idea
Fishing, remember? With the others, off the pier”

“I said first light” bristled ‘Pig’ “I didn’t say sunrise
And first light doesn’t happen till I open up my eyes

And my eyes don’t open Saturdays till sometime after ten
So bugger off the lot of you and come and get me then”

“Well they’re open now bacon breath” ‘Rabbit’ took the lead
Fish are choosy, unlike you, ‘bout what and when they feed”

‘Squirrel’ tried explaining fish are fickle on the bite
The best time to catch them is generally first light

“Rubbish’ countered ‘Pig’ “they’ll be dozing in the deep
They nestle in the kelp, close their eyes and go to sleep”

“That’s odd” noted Lindy Dent, the smartest of the kids
How can they close their eyes when they don’t have any lids?”

“Well my goldfish do” barked ‘Pig’ “they’re spongy and elastic”
‘Rabbit’ sighed “That’s because your fish are made of plastic”

“Well I used to have some real ones” ‘Pig’ harrumphed with pride
“Yeah” smirked ‘Rabbit’ “you gave them Aspirin and all the guppies died”

“Well, they looked in pain” mumbled ‘Pig’ “thrashing and gyrating”
“That pain” Lindy set him straight “is commonly known as mating”

“Whatever that is” ‘Pig’ replied “I’m not buying into that
At least it had a happy ending – Dad fed’em to the cat”

“Aghh leave him” scowled ‘Rabbit’ “we’re already running late
Besides, last time we went fishing ‘Pig’ ate all the bait”

“Just go and catch some fish” yawned ‘Pig’ “the type of fish don’t matter
A flathead or a flake or one of those that come in batter”

“You’re the flake” sneered ‘Rabbit’ as he climbed onto his bike
“No wonder you like guppies, you’re mentally alike”

As he gently drifted off to sleep they heard ‘Pig’ lick his lips
“And take a net you pricks and try and catch some chips”

© Copyright 2018 Ian Bland


Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

One comment on “Bland On Bland – Time In The First Line

  • I always love your poetry Ian. I often spend time in the stupidmarket car park just to listen to it. It’s a highlight for me, as is Dan.. wish he’d turn up more often. Not looking forward to you leaving us for a few months. Haven’t heard much from Anthony lately. Is he okay? Anyway I have to go back to ‘Batchelor In Paradise”….

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